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The Sexperts’ 9-Step Guide to Safe and Fun Virtual Threesomes

Mary Grace Garis

Mary Grace GarisJune 30, 2020

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Photo: Getty Images/Maskot

Being under lockdown has enticed a number of folks to explore new avenues of sexual pleasure—like bringing vacation sex home for a spicy staycation, trying new masturbation methods, and taking workshops to level up pleasure knowledge. Another way you might consider exploring new horizons? Learning how to have a virtual threesome.

Maybe you’re a seasoned vet in the world of group sex who’s keen to explore how that preference safely translates to quarantine life, or maybe you’re new to the scene and curious to try, or maybe you fall somewhere between on that continuum. Whatever the case may be, having a virtual threesome can be quite the experience.

“Digital threesomes are a great option for exhibitionists because they can get off from being watched and they are more likely to want to be the center of attention,” says Tatyannah King, a sex educator and sex coach with Blex Technologies. “Digital threesomes don’t necessarily mean that everyone in involved must enact sexual activity. Some can be voyeurs by just watching and enjoying the show. One of the people involved can even read out erotic fiction while the other two are acting out what is said in the story.”

These titillating aspects make virtual threesome a little different than they may look IRL, but let’s not forget that technology can sometimes act as an intimacy barrier. So below, get tips from sexperts about how to successfully engage in a virtual threesome, and reap all the pleasure benefits you stand to gain.

Looking to make the most of the setup? Below, sexperts share 9 tips for how to navigate, execute, and enjoy a virtual threesome.

1. Know why you want to have a virtual threesome in the first place

“Make sure you know why you want to open a relationship or engage in a threesome,” says Rebecca Alvarez Story, sexologist and founder of arousal oil company Bloomi. “This shouldn’t be a scenario where ‘my partner isn’t meeting my needs, so I’m looking elsewhere.’ Instead, this should be an experience you seek out when you are fully fulfilled and wanting to add another dimension or experience.”

2. Use visuals and sounds

If you haven’t cleaned your bedroom since March or invested in a phone stand for FaceTime flirtations, consider doing so. That’s because given the lack of touch involved in a virtual threesome, you can elevate the experience by focusing on other senses: sight and sound (and smell, if you want to break out your best candles).

“Good sound is key to feeling aroused and being in tune with your partners. Turn up the sound and try to pay attention to everyone’s breathing to be more in tune with one another.” —Rebecca Alvarez Story, sexologist

“Since you are exploring virtually, make sure you set yourself up for success,” says Story. “Everyone should set up their room or space to be inviting and sexy. Make sure the video is at a good angle that allows others to see you clearly. Also, good sound is key to feeling aroused and being in tune with your partners. Turn up the sound and try to pay attention to everyone’s breathing to be more in tune with one another.”

3. Password protect if you’re going on Zoom

Or just be super cognizant of the medium you use for your virtual threesome, because when you play a digital game, there’s plenty of room for error.

“Be careful and aware of ‘Zoom bombing,’ the event in which people hack into online meetings on the Zoom video-conferencing app,” says King. “When something involves technology, nothing is 100 percent private.”

4. Create a verbal agreement

Everyone should feel safe, valued, and heard, especially when bringing in new people to an existing dynamic.

“Often, when a single person is joining another couple, that person is less inclined to speak their needs or preferences in order to prioritize what the couple wants,” says Story. “Everyone should feel safe, excited, and equal. Talk about what you are excited to try, things you don’t want to do, and what you are open to exploring.”

5. Feel free to wear a mask

Doing so can help elevate the experience, according to King. “To participate while keeping a certain level of anonymity, cover your face,” she says.

“To participate while keeping a certain level of anonymity, cover your face with a mask.” —Tatyannah King, sex educator and sex coach

“Wear a regular face mask or a leather fetish mask. Aside from protecting your identity, this helps create a new persona and adds to the allure of fantasy and mystery.”

6. Make a game out of it

Ease into the virtual threesome with an imagination-stoking game. “It can be as simple as playing truth or dare,” says King. “You can dare people to bring out their sex toys so that they can show you how they use them. For the ‘truth’ category, you can ask them about their favorite fantasies as inspiration for ideas to progress the experience later on.”

7. Respect boundaries throughout the virtual threesome

“Navigating threesomes in person can already be tricky, and there are added layers of the way communication can be misconstrued through a screen, so be more aware of people’s non-verbal cues just as much as their verbal cues,” says King. “Don’t rush to get to the steamy parts. Relax and proceed with caution”

8. Have a safe word

It should go without saying, but we’ll say it for the people in the back: Consent is non-negotiable, and it certainly doesn’t disappear in a digital setting.

“Anytime you are exploring something new with one or more partners, have a safe word that signals the other person to stop and check-in,” says Story. “Use the safe work anytime you feel uncomfortable or need to take a break.”

9. Debrief

The postgame analysis after fooling around is crucial for ensuring your sexual experiences only get better and more pleasurable moving forward.

“Feedback is important,” Story says. “Talk about any feelings that came up during the session, even the more complicated ones like jealousy. Talk through the experience and what worked and what didn’t. If you decide to have a virtual threesome again, the second time around should be even better.”

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