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Meet the Kale-uccino: 5 ways Starbucks will ruin juice

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The NY Post and Grubstreet reported yesterday that Starbucks is eye-ing the cold-pressed juice biz. So you’ll be able to satisfy both your caffeine fix, and your kale fix, at the coffee chain.

The plan, reports Page Six, is to make Starbucks half coffee/half juice shops. They even recruited a Liquiteria manager to spearhead their training.

We’re all for increasing the green juice supply, but our gut tells us that Starbucks cold-pressed bevvies will have more in common with Jamba Juice than BluePrintCleanse.

We can think of plenty of reasons we won’t get our beet-kale-carrot-ginger concoctions at Starbucks. But here are just five:

1. Culture clash. We don’t want to stand in line next to a suit ordering a triple espresso and screaming into his Blackberry while we wait to pay for our cashew milk. No. Thank. You.

The 400-calorie Green Tea Frappuccino

2. We’re worried the Green Goddess Smoothie will look and taste like a McDonald’s Shamrock Shake. Just look what they did to macha (see right).

3. Charbucks’ burnt coffee smell is a buzzkill when ordering a drink that’s supposed to detox your lymph and liver.

4. We’ll have to remember to order our green juice “unsweetened,” just like our iced coffee.

5. It would kill us to say, “I’ll have a Vente Kale-uccino, hold the whipped cream.”

What do you think of Starbucks serving juice? Would you buy yours there in a pinch? Tell us in the Comments, below.