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Welcome to the Lohan-Winehouse School of Aesthetics at Hotel Gansevoort

Skin-care impresario Scott-Vincent Borba launched vitamin-laced drinks and Skin Balance Gummi Bear Boosters into Sephora stores a few years back, making a mint on potable beauty products with the dubious tag-line, “You’re just a sip away from a more gorgeous you.”

So Borba’s latest venture, concocting a menu of $22 anti-aging cocktails for a new Meatpacking District club, isn’t a complete stretch. Too bad his claim that booze can be beautifying is.

But that’s the premise—and the promise—of the Provocateur cocktail menu (posted by Grubstreet), which reads very much like the one at a medispa. Only on the club menu, your desired skin-care goal is paired with a hard alcohol that’s meant to bring it about instead of a chemical peel. Who knew champagne could be firming, vodka clarifying, and that tequila and gin are respectively age-defying and hydrating? Welcome to the Lindsay Lohan, Amy Winehouse School of Aesthetics.

Borba's packets: an anti-aging mickey in your martini

Take the “clarifying” cocktail called Dollhouse Love, for example. It’s made with a packet of Borba Clarifying Crystalline (it contains walnut husk, pomegranate, and green tea extracts) and Grey Goose vodka, cucumber, lemon, and fresh black pepper, which is “designed to help resolve oily skin.” More likely to resolve oily skin? The cocktail napkin.

Provocateur’s male owners have said that the menu and Hotel Gansevoort setting, with its dollhouse imagery, is “specifically created to cater to woman’s every desire.” In Borba they’ve found a skin-care mixologist and ace marketer who’s willing to cater to beauty’s darkest side: playing into women’s vanity and insecurity with a “drink more, look better” message. (Wonder what Gansevoort’s tenant the Exhale mind-body spa will make of it?)

Scott Vincent Borba adds booze to your beauty regime

Obviously the concept’s offensive, but it’s also ridiculous: No amount of cucumber, lemon, or antioxidant du jour like green tea, pomegranate, or acai makes vodka healthy. And guess what, you’ll still be hungover the next morning even with the vitamins and antioxidants.

Who wouldn’t love a dirty martini to be as healthy as a head of kale? Borba and the owners of Provocateur are pouring a big beauty lie into every martini glass, which like the “Forever Young” tequila cocktail, we find pretty hard to swallow.

Got any anti-aging advice or recipes you’d like to share? Tell us, here!