- Alicia Sinclair, certified sex educator, certified sexuality coach, and founder of b-Vibe
- Holly Wood, MS, LMFT, sexologist, AASECT certified sex therapist at BedBible.com
- Kiana Reeves, somatic sex expert, chief brand educator at Foria Wellness, a sex and wellness company.
- Megan Fleming, PhD, sex therapist and clinical instructor of psychology in psychiatry at Weill Cornell Medical College of Cornell University
“For those with vulvas, the missionary position provides several opportunities for clitoral stimulation,” explains certified sex therapist Holly Wood, MS, LMFT, for BedBible, adding that “this position is also the easiest for a woman (or vulva owner) to stimulate her clitoris manually, either with her fingers or a sex toy.” Plus, Wood adds that the penetrating partner can always reach under and stimulate their partner with their fingers or a toy during missionary.
“This position is also the easiest for a woman (or vulva owner) to stimulate her clitoris manually, either with her fingers or a sex toy.” —Holly Wood, MS, LMFT, sex therapist at BedBible
We spoke to the experts for more info on just how amazing missionary style can be, including variations for missionary, tips, exactly how it got that name, and more.
In This Article
What is missionary sex?
“Missionary is the most common sexual position,” says clinical psychologist and Lovehoney sex and relationship expert Megan Fleming, PhD. “In this position, the penetrating partner is on top, the receiving partner is on their back, and they’re facing one another.”
Why is it called the missionary position?
As somatic sex educator and chief education officer at Foria, Kiana Reeves, explains, “it is thought that the term ‘missionary position’ dates back to the early 1900s, as a recommendation from Christian missionaries to indigenous peoples in the South Pacific as a more ‘proper’ form of sexual intercourse.” However, Reeves notes that although the history “may be urban lore, either way, the term has some very sexist and racist connotations relating to the concept of males being dominant in relationships and sex.”
The other theory for why it’s called “missionary” style, is as, Wood explains, thanks to a misunderstanding in Alfred Kinsey’s 1948 “Sexual Behavior in the Human Male1” as before Kinsey’s report in 1948, there was no use of the term “missionary position.2” Wood notes that the term “gained traction in the late 1960s, further popularized by Alex Comfort’s bestseller ‘The Joy of Sex’ in 1972 and its inclusion in the Oxford English Dictionary in 1976.” The more you know!
How do I do missionary style?
“In missionary position, one partner is lying on their back (in cis/heterosexual couples, this would be the female partner, or the receiver), with the other on top, facing and typically penetrating them,” Reeves adds. “Of course, missionary can also be performed between gay/lesbian couples, whether for vaginal or anal penetration with a penis or strap-on dildo,” Reeves notes.
The great thing about missionary style is that “there are many variations to this position, including the placement of the arms and legs of both partners (more on this in a minute), how many points of contact there are between them, and if any toys are introduced,” Reeves also explains.
Why do people prefer missionary style?
Everyone can benefit from missionary given the added intimacy between partners that missionary style allows, Reeves explains. Not only do you have many points of skin contact and easy eye contact and ample opportunity to kiss, but it may be more pleasurable. Reeves explains that “for some women, [missionary style] can be an easier way to achieve orgasm, especially if a partner is able to stimulate additional erogenous zones like the clitoris and pubic area while on top of you.”
Missionary style is also a great position to try if you’re curious about adding sex toys into the mix, such as suction toys or external vibrators, Reeves adds.
Benefits of missionary style
Missionary style has many benefits, including that it’s a “great position to try for anyone who struggles with mobility issues, flexibility, or difficulty with arousal,” says Reeves. It’s also rather simple, “and doesn’t require a ton of effort on the part of either partner” she says, making it an “easy, natural position to get into if you’re short on time, want some quick closeness, or are not feeling super creative.”
Bottom line: missionary style is such a great position because it’s very versatile, naturally allows for lots of intimacy, and can always be added upon for further exploration and creativity.
Variations of missionary style
There are many variations of missionary style that might allow for more creativity and pleasure. Reeves and Wood share some of these variations below.
1. Wrap your legs around the penetrating partner’s back or neck
According to Reeves, this modification gives you the option for more closeness and deeper penetration. Plus, as Wood adds, you can also wrap your legs around your partner at various heights (think: back of the legs, buttocks, or over the shoulders) meaning it’s totally customizable to whatever is most comfortable.
2. Prop a pillow under the receiver’s back
Both Reeves and Wood suggest this pleasurable modification that not only allows for deeper penetration, but also increased pressure on the receiver’s clitoris.
3. Lay flat
Instead of the dominant partner putting all their weight on their knees (as they would in regular missionary style), Wood explains that in flat missionary, most of their weight is on their partner, adding that “because you are both playing flat, the weight of the top partner is more easily distributed so it shouldn’t cause much discomfort to the bottom, thought it’s always important to get consent and check in to be sure each of you are comfortable.” (Also, FYI: for more on the sexual meanings of top vs. bottom: we got you.)
This variation of missionary style is even more intimate than regular missionary and “allows for more closeness and grinding of the external genitals,” Wood adds. And the fact that it’s a friendly sex position for back pain is also a bonus.
How to spice up missionary style sex
For those looking to spice up missionary style sex, look no further. Our experts compiled 20 tips for making missionary sex even better.
1. Introduce sensory play
“Enhance the sensory experience by incorporating blindfolds or soft touch elements like feathers or silk scarves,” says Wood. By restricting sight, you can heighten other senses, therefore making the touch and physical connection of missionary style even more intense.
2. Experiment with tempo changes
“Varying the pace can dramatically alter the sensation for both partners,” Wood explains. “Try implementing slow, teasing movements that gradually build in speed and intensity. This not only enhances physical pleasure, but also adds an emotional layer of anticipation and release,” Wood says.
3. Try it in front of a mirror
There’s a reason all those horny 70’s hotel rooms always have mirrors everywhere. Reeves says that the added visual stimulation of seeing yourselves get it on in front of a mirror can boost pleasurable sensations and add an unexpected element to your missionary sexing.
4. Add visual or audio erotica
“This can naturally be part of any type of pleasure sesh or position you’re trying,” says Reeves, “but especially if you’re feeling that missionary sex has become more lackluster, adding a visual or auditory stimulus in the background is a great way to up the ante,” she adds.
5. Build anticipation before getting naked
To make missionary more exciting, certified sex educator Alicia Sinclair recommends plenty of foreplay first. “Hump and grind with clothes on to really build anticipation before penetration,” she suggests.
6. Try the coital alignment technique
Also colloquially known as the corn grinder or riding high sex position, Dr. Fleming says that this grinding missionary variation prioritizes female pleasure. “The penetrating partner is riding higher so that they’re grinding their pelvis [against the bottom partner’s] and the two bodies are rubbing against each other creating more friction to stimulate the clitoris,” she explains.
“Basically this position is more vertical movement and rubbing over just in and out thrusting,” she adds. While this position is particularly pleasurable for those with a clitoris, Dr. Fleming says that it’s also a great option for penetrating partners with a penis who tend to orgasm too fast. “Since the penetration isn’t as deep, it helps with ejaculatory control,” she says.
7. Keep your clothes on
Specifically, Sinclair recommends dressing up in a sexy lingerie set—namely, one with an open crotch or backless feature. (Need a recommendation? The Victoria’s Secret Very Sexy Dream Angels Crotchless Teddy ($50) is a fan-favorite.)
8. Don’t forget to kiss
“One of the best things about missionary is that it’s seamless to be making out at the same time,” Dr. Fleming says. “French, American, or Butterfly Kisses—vary them up and turn up the heat.” Don’t feel like you have to rush the kissing, either. “Go slow and incorporate really long, deep kisses,” Sinclair says. “This helps you get really present in your bodies and the moment.” This (and other sex positions for cuddling) can make sex not just hot physically, but super hot mentally and emotionally.
9. Create more friction by switching up the position of your legs
Instead of having the penetrating partner between the legs of the person on the bottom, Dr. Fleming recommends switching it up. “Modify missionary so that the penetrating partner’s legs are outside of yours. Penetrating with two legs pressing together adds for nice additional stimulation,” she adds.
10. Perform kegels
Sure, kegels are thought to be a pre- and post-sex exercise to support proper pelvic floor function, but Dr. Fleming says that adding them into missionary sex can provide additional tension and pressure, lending to an even more satisfying climax.
11. Support the position with a pillow
“Great sex is all about angles—a pillow or wedge for the receiving partner elevates the hips for deeper penetration and better g-spot stimulation,” Dr. Fleming shares. (We like the Liberator Sex Wedge, $110)).
12. Cater to the clitoris
Many women can’t climax with penetration alone. With that in mind, if at least one vulva is involved in your missionary mix, be sure to cater to it. While manual finger stimulation works just fine, toys like the Le Wand Double Vibe ($110) will take it to a whole new sensational level.
13. Try a cock ring
Whether you’re looking for additional clitoral stimulation or a tool to help stay erect, Dr. Fleming says that cock rings (like the best-selling We-Vibe Pivot ($120) can be incredibly helpful.
14. Or an insertable toy you both can enjoy
While many sex toys are targeted toward one person’s pleasure, the We-Vibe Chorus ($240) has a unique design that both partners will greatly benefit from. The curved silhouette is designed to be inserted in a way that hugs the front wall of the vagina, as well as the clit. The internal portion of the toy is also flatter, leaving room for a penetrating partner to enter and enjoy the vibrations.
15. Embrace dirty talk
There’s something undeniably hot about vocally sharing fantasies during sex—or even as a prelude to it. To make it even steamier, Sinclair says to whisper to really turn your partner on. And, of course, before saying anything (like situational name-calling), make sure you have consent.
16. Incorporate nipple play
Make missionary a full-body experience by focusing friction on the nipples, too. Dr. Fleming recommends nipple clips in addition to manual and oral nipple play. You can play with teasing and tension here to create a spicier variation to missionary style.
17. Create leverage
One of the best ways to experience deeper penetration (as well as to vary speed and rhythm) is to use a footboard or headboard for support. According to Dr. Fleming, using a headboard or footboard here can enable greater thrust.
18. Relinquish control
If you feel safe doing so, Sinclair recommends incorporating handcuffs or ties (like the Adam & Eve Beginner’s Bondage Fantasy Set ($30)) into your routine. By tying the receiver up, it puts all control in the hands of their partner, which can really heat things up.
19. Maintain eye contact while elevating your missionary position
If you love being able to look into your partner’s eyes but crave deeper penetration, Sinclair says to have the penetrating partner stand on the ground and have the receiving partner scoot to the edge of the bed. Have the standing partner hold the receiving partner’s legs or prop them up against their shoulders for extra intimacy and thrust.
20. Consider butt play
Anal stimulation can take missionary to a whole new level—for both partners. “It’s especially fun if you use a remote control vibrating toy like the Novice Plug ($135),” Sinclair says, because it gives your partner the control. Just be sure to start with a small toy if you’re not a veteran butt player and of course, get consent before you put anything up your partner’s butt.