An armor-clad rescuer fighting off fire-breathing beasts in an effort to save the princess trapped at the top of tower might be the tropiest of all tropes. Outside the realm of fairy tales, there’s a fine line between being supportive and stepping in to solve someone else’s problems, says psychotherapist Sarah Jane Crosby, MA. Before taking action to help a friend in crisis, consider whether your intended action is slipping into white knight territory. After all, it’s the 21st century and we’re all perfectly capable of slaying our own dragons (with our friends cheering us on from the sidelines).
“We rescue by taking on the responsibilities of another,” writes Crosby in an Instagram post. “Supporting involves actively listening to someone, without betraying ourselves or our boundaries.” While the urge to help others is in itself human and empathetic, it often comes at the expense of sweeping our own feelings aside. “We attempt to rescue someone from feeling distressed when we provide solutions without being asked, or tell them what we think they ‘should’ do. Support asks what is needed and doesn’t say, ‘I told you so’,” explains the psychotherapist.
When a friend confides in you and you catch yourself strategizing about how to banish their current conundrum, Crosby recommends asking yourself a series of questions to figure out the root cause of your knee-jerk desire to play the hero:
- What do I need?
- What feeling is this triggering?
- How might I be attempting to avoid it?
- Am I taking on something that isn’t mine to hold?
- What are my limits here?
- How can I mind my mental health while supporting another?
Stow your cape (for now), because what your friend really needs is a cheer squad. That means actively listening—not hijacking the responsibility of a given situation. That means taking a backseat when someone wants to work through an issue all on their own. But most of all, that means focusing your attention on yourself rather than funneling your own inner turmoil into working on your friends. You’ve got your own journey to consider, right?
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