I'll be the thick slice of sourdough to your avocado smash. Besides the time I accidentally introduced myself as "Danielle" (instead of Gabrielle) to my crush (I was nervous, okay!?!), this may be the least flirty or alluring thing I've ever said. And since my intent was to bring the vision to life for Halloween—a holiday infamous for scantily clad, horny revelers—the distinctive un-sexiness would seem pretty surprising. For me, though, it's the annual norm.
To be clear, when I say I want to be a hearty slab of bread, I mean it literally. As in, I want to slide my bod into a large, rectangular, 100 percent polyester suit that makes me look like a crunchy base to a healthy brunch staple (like this costume example) and par-tayyyy.
While I'm all for folks dressing in whatever costume makes them feel the most comfortable and attractive, the running theme of my Halloween looks has been clear: not sexy.
Don't get me wrong: I'm all for folks dressing in whatever costume makes them feel the most comfortable and attractive. Heck, I even dressed up as a Mean Girls plastic one year in college (unfortunately not Lindsay Lohan's brilliant take on the zombie bride, which I'd gladly still wear).
But in the many years that have passed since my fetch phase, the running theme of my Halloween costumes has been clear: not sexy. I've been Canadian bacon, a roll of toilet paper, turkey, a hot dog, a tissue box, and a straight-up cardboard box. (Basically, I've been meat and paper.)
And every year, I'm glad I didn't opt for mouse ears or fishnets—those just aren't me. I don't want to worry about what can feel like the inevitability of a nip slip in a barely there getup. And since I do like shaking it to whatever party tunes are soundtracking the ghoulish gathering, I'm just more comfortable and happy getting down in a, say, shapeless hot-dog costume. And hey, these are stressful times we’re living in, so we could all use a little more fun.
Whether or not my friends share my honest-to-goodness love of definitively un-sexy costumes doesn't matter to me. Because putting on the machine-washable answer to a brown paper bag every Halloween costume is consistently one of the most joy-inducing moments of my year.
Whatever your costume, these makeup removers can help clean your face at the end of the night. And in other seasonal news, one writer researched whether it's even possible to go apple picking without Instagramming it.
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