Rubbing turmeric in your ear helps you sleep (if you ask this Fake Health News Generator, at least)

While rubbing turmeric in your ears as a method to help you sleep like a baby sounds like a literal dream come true, please don’t count on it to fix your REM-cycle woes (or anything else!). Along with this LOL-worthy suggestion, there’s a Fake Health News Generator peddling this and other misguided healing tips that’s making its way around the internet.

The generator, shared by ABC Science Australia, is basically like playing the beloved childhood game of MASH, but for health enthusiasts (or, er, self-diagnosis obsessives). The only purpose? Poking fun at some of the more out-there claims that occasionally pop up in the wellness world, of course. (You know, like drinking your dog’s urine to cure acne—which surprisingly, might actually work…even though it’s definitely not recommended.)

To use the generator, just work from left to right, jotting down the words and phrases according to your eye color, the first letter of your first name, your birth month, and then the first letter of your last name. Whether you wind up learning you can sprinkle amethyst on your third eye to remove toxins or that rubbing broccoli juice (yum?) on your palm to relieve constipation is an option, you’re bound to get a good laugh. Unfortunately, you’ll probably have to try out some science-backed methods if you want to see actual results, though. Womp, womp.

You now have research-backed permission to Google that weird rash. Or find out the top 10 takeaways from The China Study.