‘I’m a Sex Therapist, and Here’s How Often Couples Are *Actually* Having Sex’

You’re out with friends and having a good time, when that friend starts casually dropping details about their incredible sex life. You know the one—they make it sound like they’re living in a rom-com while you’re sitting there thinking about how you and your partner were too tired for anything beyond Netflix last week. You smile, nod, and politely sip your drink while that question sneaks in—how often do couples actually have sex?

We dove into this topic with experts, and well...they confirmed what many of us probably suspected. It’s not about the numbers. Every couple is unique, and intimacy isn’t something that can be measured by counting nights and ticking off boxes. Here’s what they had to say. 

How often do couples have sex, really?

According to a study of U.S. adults aged 18 to 44, most people were having sex weekly or more often between 2016 and 2018.¹ So if you’re hitting that once-a-week mark, you’re right in line with the majority. Research also shows that couples who were having sex once a week were the most satisfied, Leigh Norén, MSc, sex and relationship therapist and intimacy coach at Leigh Norén Coaching & Therapy, tells Well+Good.² 

Still, “there’s no single, realistic number that applies to all couples,” says Cheryl Groskopf, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist at Evolution to Healing. 

How often people have sex depends on a million different things. Think stress levels, emotional connection (or lack of it), relationship conflict, trauma history, physical health, mental health, medication side effects, hormonal changes, and yes, parenting chaos. Add in how safe someone feels in their body or how secure they are in their relationship, and it’s clear there’s no universal answer, Groskopf says. 

Plus, some people naturally have lower sex drives than others, Deb Laino, DHS, sex therapist and relationship coach at Your Sex Doc, tells Well+Good. Then there are all the expectations we tend to carry around with us, adds Norén. We’re often influenced by cultural messages about what sex “should” look like or how often we “should” be having it—and those ideas can create pressure that works against our natural desire. 

Oh, and…more sex doesn’t automatically equal a better or healthier relationship. You can have frequent sex and still feel disconnected, or have sex less often but feel emotionally attuned and satisfied, says Groskopf. Norén agrees, noting that the same research mentioned above showed couples weren’t any more satisfied when they had sex more frequently than once a week. “I think this shows how sexual frequency can be important, but that frequency isn’t the only thing that matters,” Norén says.

The goal isn’t to hit a certain number—it’s to understand what works for you, in this season of your life, with the body and nervous system you’re living in right now, explains Groskopf. Sexual desire is an emotion that gets affected by everything happening around you and within you. Say you’re dealing with young kids at home or you’re in the thick of your career while also caring for aging parents, expecting the same level of sexual desire you had during calmer times just isn’t realistic, Norén explains. 

What’s a healthy amount of sex in a relationship? 

A “healthy” amount of sex varies pretty wildly from one couple to the next. (You probably saw that coming, didn’t you?) Yep, it’s really about what works for you and your partner. Because sex is only good for you and your relationship if it’s the kind of sex you want to be having, explains Norén. “For some, it’s a few times a year (if ever), while for others, it might mean several times a week,” she says. 

Okay, so if we’re throwing the scoreboard out the window, how do we know if our sex life is truly healthy? It’s when both people feel heard and respected, says Groskopf. This means that neither partner is avoiding tough relationship conversations, and neither feels pressured or constantly brushed off. It also means sex isn’t being used as a bargaining chip or a quick fix for bigger problems (you know, like having “make-up sex” instead of actually talking through the relationship issues), she says.

And finding out what feels good for both of you involves talking about it. Groskopf suggests asking questions like:

• What does sex mean to you emotionally?
• When do you feel most open to connection?
• What gets in the way of wanting to be sexual?
• Are there other ways you like to be intimate that don't involve intercourse?

And don’t forget about tuning into your own sexuality, too. Dr. Laino says that understanding what turns you on—whether through solo exploration or just being honest about your desires—helps ensure that both partners can show up ready for intimacy when the timing feels right.

Ultimately, it’s quality over quantity. “Let pleasure lead the way, instead of frequency,” Norén explains. And it will be far easier to figure out what feels right for you, she adds. Of course, communication about expectations is where it all starts, which brings us to our next point.  

How to communicate with your partner about sex frequency

Talking about sex can feel totally awkward, but it’s pretty much unavoidable if you want a healthy relationship. Assumptions can breed resentment, says Groskopf, especially around sex. A small study found that couples who communicate openly about their sexual needs, rather than just focusing on frequency, are often more satisfied in their relationship.³

Most of us waltz into relationships with unspoken expectations. These can come from things like attachment style, past experiences, culture, media, and more. When these expectations aren’t discussed, one partner likely ends up feeling rejected while the other may feel pressured, explains Groskopf. And neither is wrong, but it’s also not exactly a recipe for true connection and intimacy. 

Dr. Laino calls this “sexual intelligence”—basically, having these conversations keeps intimacy alive and helps couples prioritize their connection instead of hoping things magically work out.

Ready to have the sex talk with your partner? Here are some tips:

• Start with yourself: Before you bring it up with your partner, do a little self-reflection, suggests Dr. Laino. Think about your own feelings around sex and desire, what a great sex life looks like to you, and why it matters. This helps you communicate from a clearer place.
• Think about timing: Timing matters for sex and for talking about sex—who knew? Don’t ambush your partner right after being turned down or during an unrelated argument, says Groskopf. Pick a moment when you’re both relaxed and able to focus on the conversation. Norén agrees that this talk is best when things are good, or at least neutral. But talk about it sooner rather than later, she reminds.
• Be curious and avoid accusing: Instead of jumping to conclusions like “You never want sex anymore,” try saying, “I’ve noticed we’ve been less physical lately. Can we talk about what’s been going on?” says Groskopf. This can open the door for a calm and understanding conversation without blame.
• Share your vulnerability: Let your partner know this feels tricky to discuss, advises Norén. Something like “I want to talk about something that’s hard for me to bring up” helps break the ice and shows you’re being genuine, not attacking.
• Use “I” statements: “I miss feeling close to you” lands very differently than “You’re rejecting me,” notes Groskopf. Focus on your experience rather than what you think your partner is doing wrong. Instead of “You always want sex and it drives me crazy,” try “I sometimes get stressed when you curl up to me at night because it feels like I have to say yes,” adds Norén. Then ask to brainstorm solutions so you can move forward together, if that’s what you want.
• Be honest about what sex means to you: Talk about what sex represents in your relationship. Is it about emotional reassurance, physical release, or feeling desired? Knowing what sex means to each of you helps avoid misunderstandings, says Groskopf.
• Talk about why sex is important (or not): Share with your partner why sex is (or isn’t) a priority right now, suggests Norén. Sex may feel good, but when there’s a mismatch between partners, it may hurt because it often represents something deeper—feelings of worthiness, love, or validation. If sex isn’t a priority for you at the moment, help them understand why. Maybe you’re dealing with stress, exhaustion, or life stuff that’s getting in the way of desire, and sex feels more like another item on your to-do list than something enjoyable.
• Remember you’re both right: Your feelings and experiences are valid, and so are theirs, says Norén. Validate each other’s experiences and listen to understand, not to win.
• Get creative with solutions: If one person wants sex three times a week and the other wants it once weekly, there’s room for negotiation, notes Dr. Laino. Maybe it’s penetrative sex once, oral another time, and just intimate touching the third. Mixing things up might help you meet in the middle. 

When to see a professional 

Research mentions once a week, but your sex life doesn’t need to follow anyone else’s playbook (especially not that friend’s). How often couples have sex can naturally fluctuate over time depending on a range of factors. And that’s not a problem, says Groskopf. But problems can develop when couples don’t talk about these changes and allow them to create emotional distance, she explains. “Sex is a collaborative experience, and communicating about it (before, during, and after) helps keep passion alive,” adds Norén. 

Still, even with the best communication skills, couples sometimes need extra support. If your sex life is causing regular fights or making you feel like roommates instead of partners, it’s time to see a professional, says Dr. Laino. Deeper things like past trauma, health issues, or just the stress of life can get in the way, and a therapist can help you work through anything you're dealing with or just need to get off your chest. 

And it’s also much better to get help sooner rather than later, Norén notes. Most couples wait years before seeking therapy, and by then their patterns are basically ingrained. Think of it like a knee that keeps hurting—you wouldn’t just ignore it forever, right? We get it, talking to a stranger about your sex life can be mortifying, but sex therapists have heard just about everything. They’re not there to judge; they’re there to help, notes Norén.

Groskopf says to look for support if sex starts feeling like a source of stress rather than safety, or if one or both of you are constantly compromising to meet the other’s needs. And if trauma is part of the equation—whether it’s sexual trauma, childhood neglect, or chronic rejection—definitely find a trauma-trained therapist to help you manage those deeper layers.

At the end of the day, sex isn’t just about the act—it’s about connection, regulation, and reassurance, says Groskopf. Communicate about your expectations early. And when you find yourself in a different season of life and your sexual desires shift, talking openly about those changes can help you stay connected and have the intimacy you both crave.