The Silent Phase of Motherhood That Nobody Talks About

These days, welcoming a baby often comes with creative gender reveals, endless onesie shopping (do we ever have enough?), and debates over the perfect stroller. And let’s not forget the unsolicited advice about sleep schedules, swaddles, and whether you’re using the “right” baby bottle.

Meanwhile, there’s a whole other transformation happening—one that’s not getting nearly enough airtime. The one where you—the mother—are going through this massive life change. That feeling of losing pieces of your old self while trying to figure out this new role. That confusing space where you’re not quite sure who you’re becoming, either. That realization that motherhood isn’t the full-on glow up you thought, but more like a complete overhaul you didn’t expect.

Yeah, that part. It’s something that many moms can relate to. That experience has a name: matrescence. And honestly, it explains so much.

What’s matrescence, anyway?

Matrescence is the transformative process of becoming a mother, Victoria Trinko, MA, a matrescence educator and co-founder of Seed Mother, tells Well+Good. It’s an experience many mothers share, even if it’s a term you’re just now hearing for the first time. 

By “transformative process”, we’re not just talking about learning how to care for a tiny human. Matrescence is a full-body, full-life shift that can touch every part of your identity as a mother. It involves physical, hormonal, emotional, psychological, relational, and even spiritual changes that occur throughout the transition into motherhood, explains Trinko.¹ (More on this below.)

Matrescence typically kicks off during pregnancy, but it’s not like flipping a switch. It can ebb and flow through postpartum, early motherhood, and well beyond. And unlike the cute baby phase that seems to be over in a blink, matrescence can last months, years, or, honestly, as long as you’re evolving in your role as a mother. (Yeah, that’s kind of a lifetime.)

After all, “becoming a mother doesn’t happen in one moment. It doesn’t happen right after the baby is born or adopted,” says Julia Sarewitz, MA, also a matrescence educator and co-founder of Seed Mother. Instead, it unfolds over time.

The word “matrescence” was first used in the 1970s by anthropologist Dana Raphael, the same person who gave us the term “doula.”² Fast forward to today, psychologist Aurélie Athan, PhD revived the idea of matrescence, comparing it to adolescence—you know, that sometimes awkward, messy, often confusing, but formative phase we may all remember during teenhood.

And that comparison nails it. Just like teenagers deal with biological changes, shifting emotions, and evolving identities, new mothers go through a similar transformation, Trinko explains. The difference is that teens often get whole support systems, like health classes and pep talks from guidance counselors. Mothers? Not so much.

In fact, matrescence is rarely talked about, let alone supported, Trinko notes. And that leaves many mothers feeling lost or overwhelmed, especially when their experience doesn’t match the picture-perfect version of motherhood they expected, she adds.

What happens during matrescence?

One of the most powerful things about matrescence is realizing just how layered this transition is. Scientists call these layers “domains”—basically, the different areas of your life that are changing. Dr. Athan mapped out the domains of matrescence to help explain the many ways motherhood touches every part of your life. 

Some of these changes are physical and hormonal, explains Trinko—think pregnancy, birth, postpartum healing, breastfeeding, and yes, even those infamous “mommy brain” moments. (Fun fact: studies show the brain actually rewires itself during motherhood to help you better respond to your child’s needs. Turns out your brain isn’t failing you—it’s adapting.)^3,4

Then there are the emotional shifts. These can range from joy and deep love to sadness, anxiety, or even a resurfacing of old wounds or past trauma, says Trinko. You might feel overwhelming love one minute and crushing doubt the next—and all of it is normal.

Socially, life might look a little (or a lot) different, too, Trinko adds. Friendships, romantic partnerships, and family dynamics can shift as you settle into your new role. Parenthood generally brings new expenses and might make you rethink career plans and long-term goals. And with that, Trink explains that your worldview might change, too. You might start reflecting on society, your child’s future, and experience a spiritual shift. 

These changes don’t happen at once or in the same way for everyone, Sarewitz explains. For many moms, knowing that motherhood is a gradual evolution, and not an overnight change, can be a huge relief, she notes. It gives you permission to be wherever you are in the process without judging yourself for not immediately feeling like you’ve got this whole mom thing figured out. Plus, “it really depends on the unique and individual experience of each mother or person who identifies as a mother,” she adds. 

And here’s something else: matrescence isn’t limited to biological moms. Research shows that non-birthing parents experience changes in brain structure and chemistry when caring for a child, just like biological parents do.⁵ Sarewitz explains that at Seed Mother, anyone stepping into a mothering role, whether through birth, adoption, fostering, or surrogacy, is included. 

We live in a culture that prepares people to birth and take care of a baby, but not a culture that prepares us to become mothers.

Why we don’t talk about matrescence enough

For a long time, the spotlight in parenthood has been mostly on the baby. “We live in a culture that prepares people to birth and take care of a baby, but not a culture that prepares us to become mothers,” says Trinko.

We get crash courses on feeding, diapering, and baby-proofing everything in sight. All that is important, but it has left a major blind spot: the mother. 

The healthcare and education systems have been wired to prioritize the baby and not so much the mother, explains Trinko. And this goes way back. Early psychology (think Freud) mostly viewed mothers as supporting characters in a child’s story—there to meet needs but not necessarily having their own experience worth recognizing, she says. That mindset stuck around and shaped how we talk (or don’t talk) about motherhood.

Plus, most moms don’t have the language (until now) to describe what they’re experiencing. Even when healthcare providers notice these changes happening in mothers, they often don’t have the training or tools to validate them or respond to them, Trinko adds. So when moms are going through this very normal developmental stage, it can easily get mislabeled as something that’s broken or needs “fixing”, she notes. It’s treated like a problem to solve rather than a natural transition to support. And with rates of postpartum depression (PPD) rising, this knowledge matters more than ever, she adds.⁶

Because mothering is so common, Sarewitz points out that society tends to dismiss the role. This makes it easy to downplay your own experience as a mother and think that everyone else is doing it, so maybe I should just tough it out. But taking a step back and appreciating just how much mothering changes your life and how much emotional effort it takes is important, she notes.

Things are changing, though. “Social media has created a beautiful environment for moms to just be real about their experiences,” adds Sarowitz. At the same time, researchers like Dr. Athan have helped bring matrescence into the spotlight and finally define what so many have felt but couldn’t name, she explains.

Matrescence in Black mothers

Matrescence can be challenging for anyone. But for Black mothers, this transition often comes with extra hurdles.

“Matrescence should be a transformative experience, not a traumatic one,” Dana Sherrod, MPH, co-founder and executive director of the California Coalition for Black Birth Justice (CCBBJ), tells Well+Good. Yet too often, Black women are managing matrescence within systems that fail to protect them, support them, or even acknowledge them, she says. 

Take maternal mortality, for instance. In 2022, pregnancy-related deaths among Black women in the U.S. were about three times higher than those of white women, Sherrod points out. 

This gap isn’t always due to lifestyle, health history, education, or income. Even when all those factors are the same, Black women still face worse outcomes than white women, often due to racial bias in healthcare, Sherrod explains.⁷ That bias can show up as being dismissed, misdiagnosed, or not taken seriously, forcing many Black moms to constantly advocate for themselves just to be heard, she notes.⁸ “That constant worry—for ourselves and our babies—can make an already tough journey even harder,” she adds.

Plus, generational trauma and cultural expectations to “stay strong” can make it difficult for Black moms to ask for the support they need, Sherrod adds. Despite this, there’s a growing movement of Black women choosing home births under the care of a midwife, taking back control of their experiences, she explains. 

So, where do we go from here?

First, we need to talk about matrescence more—a lot more. Too many mothers are blindsided by the identity shift of motherhood, and too many healthcare providers still aren’t familiar with the matrescence framework.

But the responsibility shouldn't just be on current or expecting mothers either. Future parents and non-parents can help by pushing for better education, better care, and better conversations around motherhood. Through awareness, we can create space for moms to feel understood and validated.

And Black mothers deserve the same thing every mother does: to feel seen, heard, and supported through every step of matrescence. That means moving beyond blame and fixing the broken systems that continue to fail them, says Sherrod.

Understanding what’s happening to you can be empowering. But Trinko and Sarewitz explain that matrescence education, like the workshops offered at Seed Mother, isn’t a replacement for mental health support. If you’re facing postpartum depression, anxiety, or anything that feels heavier than what self-care practices or community support can help with, don’t wait to reach out to a mental health provider as they can help you get started with therapy.

In the meantime, if you want to learn more about matrescence, here are some great starting points, courtesy of Trinko and Sarewitz:

Books:

• What No One Tells You: A Guide to Your Emotions from Pregnancy to Motherhood by Alexandra Sacks, MD and Catherine Birndorf, MD
• Transformed by Birth by Britta Bushnell, PhD
• Motherhood: Facing and Finding Yourself by Lisa Marchiano
• Mother Brain: How Neuroscience is Rewriting the Story of Parenthood by Chelsea Conaboy
• Mindful Motherhood by Cassandra Vieten, PhD
• Shamanic Wisdom for Pregnancy and Parenthood by Anna Cariad-Barrett, DMin
• Cribsheet by Emily Oster
  

Services:

• The Motherhood Center: Offers therapy, support groups, and medication management with an understanding of matrescence
• Oula: A maternity clinic blending OB and midwifery care, plus holistic workshops
• Carriage House Birth: Prenatal, birth, and postpartum support and education
• Welcome Home: A postpartum meal delivery service designed specifically for new parents’ nutritional needs

And here are some additional organizations doing important work to support Black mothers:

• National Black Doulas Association 
• Black Mamas Matter Alliance
• Sista Midwife Productions
  

The bottom line

So if you’ve been wondering why motherhood feels so big and so much sometimes, it’s because it is. You’re not just taking care of a new life, you're undergoing a monumental transformation to parenthood. And it's a stage that involves thriving in your own way, giving yourself grace, and loving yourself through the changes, especially on the days you don’t recognize the person staring back at you in the mirror.