This past year was the most challenging I’ve gone through. I was in such a dark space. There was a lot of fog surrounding me. Five years ago, my drug addiction was very strong. Then I got sick with HIV. But it was five years later, and I was living a “healthy” lifestyle. But I was still in a deep depression and questioning my own authenticity.
There were two big things that confronted me: Why can’t I love myself, and what do I hate about myself? As a yoga teacher, I would lead self-love practices and meditation. But it was a lie. I thought, “why don’t I have that?” I was in a super dark place, but I was very aware that way I was living wasn’t truly healthy. It was only when I went into deep surrender that everything flew into place.
As I said, the question of authenticity was really big for me. I made a decision going into the ashram to share myself in a way I’ve never shared myself before. I decided to try a new medium, and I started to write.
When I was writing, I did my best to go back and listen. Since I was a little kid, I dressed up in my mom’s clothes. I learned from an early age that it was unacceptable and shameful to do that. I learned to hide it. I learned that my personality was not likable outside of the home. In high school, I reinvented myself. I created a version that was more acceptable and likable. But at 18-years-old, I came out to my mom as gay. I was subletting my own apartment at this point. I said, “I don’t think I’m gay, I think I’m a woman.” Mind you, this was way before the internet, and in Westport, Connecticut. I worked in a shoe store, and the owner suggested I buy shoes and clothes and dress up in private to see what it felt like.
Fast forward five years to this past fall, and again, I was in a deep depression and feeling lost. In therapy, I said, “I think I’m a woman, not a gay man.” My therapist suggested that I dress up at her office, but I felt like I would be a freak. At this point, I was the Bearded Yogi, but on the inside, I felt like a woman.
So in the safety of the ashram, I let let everything arise. My intention was to come to the ashram and be authentic. Slowly, I began texting my friends and letting them know about my questions of gender identity. I was met by nothing but love and acceptance. I made a joke about it every five seconds, but for the first time, I was just trying to be okay with it.
What I feel today is light and completeness. I feel love. I feel a new flow of energy that’s guiding me. Still, I keep questioning what’s authentic to me. Within the ashram, it is such a sacred space. There is constant sharing and meditation and blessing. You fill up on the energy. I knew I had to continue to surround myself by phenomenal teachers and mentors within the city. And to continue to take a self-love action every day.
People keep asking me, “have you done something with your teeth?” But I haven’t, it’s just because I never smiled before as much as I’m smiling now. The Bearded Yogi was such a part of my identity, but it was the biggest mask I ever wore. —As told to Jamie McKillop
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(Photos: Liz Clayman)