7 Thoughtful Ways to Show Up for the New Mom in Your Life

With Mother’s Day right around the corner, now is a great time to start brainstorming the ways you can support friends and family members who recently gave birth.

It’s important to be intentional here, since many gestures—even those that are well-intended—may actually make a new mom’s life more difficult. (Hint: Do not, under any circumstances, drop by unannounced to meet her baby.)

“Transitioning into motherhood, for many women, is one of the hardest things,” Akilah Reynolds, PhD, a psychologist based in California, tells Well+Good. “In a society that is not always set up to support mothers and parents, we need to listen to new moms and ask them what they need, what would be helpful to them.”

It’s particularly important to make sure we’re helping new moms protect their mental health, given the prevalence of postpartum depression, Kavita Vani, MD, a maternal-fetal medicine doctor and director of Postpartum and Fourth Trimester Services at Montefiore Health System in New York, tells Well+Good. “Postpartum depression is increasingly common, and friends and family members need to make sure the new mom has space to talk about how they’re feeling and if they’re feeling unwell,” she explains.

Given the demands of new motherhood, showing up for the new moms in your life means doing more than sending flowers (though that’s a perfectly lovely gift if you live far from a loved one who recently had a baby). “We have to show up in ways that are tangible to new moms,” Dr. Vani says. “Day-to-day tasks become enormously hard when you’re a new mom.”

Here, experts explain how to help a new mom this Mother’s Day (plus, some things you probably shouldn't do).

1. Ask if you can help around the house

Before we dive into the specifics, we have to acknowledge that all moms are different, Dr. Reynolds says. What one mom perceives as a kind gesture, others may find stressful. Therefore, your first step is to ask the new mom what they need and what you can help with.

If you are invited into their home, a good place to start would be asking them if you can help with household chores. “New moms have a lot of things on their plate that they don’t necessarily know they’ll have until the baby arrives,” Dr. Vani says.

You can offer to help do the laundry, wash the dishes, clean the house, and/or meal prep. (If you know other friends or family members who also want to pitch in, consider organizing a meal train, Dr. Reynolds advises.)

If you’re looking for ways to support a long-distance friend who recently had a baby, you can offer to have food delivered from her favorite restaurant or pay for a laundry or cleaning service to help out around the house. (Again, it’s crucial to ask the new mom if she’s comfortable with this before suggesting that she invite someone new into her home.)

2. Volunteer your time

“[Before I had a baby,] I would hear a new mom say, ‘I don’t even have time to take a shower,’ and I would think, How is that possible?” Dr. Vani says. After she became a mom, she quickly understood how difficult it can be to squeeze in the time you need to refresh and reset.

Depending on a new mom’s circumstances, the most thoughtful thing you can offer might be your time. “Offer to sit with the baby when the baby is sleeping. Say, ‘I will do that for an hour so you can go take a shower,’” Dr. Vani says.

If she is comfortable with you spending more time with her baby, offer to watch them for a few hours so she can catch up on some sleep, Dr. Reynolds suggests. New moms are often up throughout the night feeding and comforting their babies—and many end up being sleep deprived. The value of community members showing up for new moms to make sure they get enough rest can’t be overstated, our experts emphasized.

3. Offer your services as a chauffeur

Because postpartum depression is becoming more common, healthcare providers are meeting with new moms earlier than they used to, Dr. Vani explains. “The conversation is really changing within the medical field, [and healthcare providers are seeing new moms] ideally within the first three weeks after delivery. The new moms are having to go to doctors' appointments more often.”

This can be tricky for moms who are still learning how to comfortably travel with their infant (especially if their partner is unable to accompany them). Fortunately, there are many ways you can help out here.

If your loved one needs to go to a doctor’s appointment alone, you can offer to watch her baby. If she doesn’t want to be away from her baby too long, you can offer to drive both of them to the appointment and wait with her baby while she sees the doctor. You can also offer to accompany them to the baby’s checkups, Dr. Vani says. It can be difficult to transport all the things you need to carry around when you have a new baby (strollers, diaper bags, breast pumps, bottles, etc.), and, when you’re still getting the hang of things, a helping hand goes a long way.

4. Send her a gift card to wherever she buys audiobooks

If you’re not super close with the new mom you’re looking to celebrate (and wouldn’t naturally offer to clean her house or watch her baby), there are still other ways you can show your support on Mother’s Day.

“You spend a lot of time as the new mom just sitting there feeding the baby,” Dr. Vani says. That can (obviously) be pretty boring, but a riveting new audiobook helps make the time pass quicker, she says. Since there are multiple popular audiobook services (Audible, Apple Books, etc.), make sure to ask your loved one which service they prefer, then send over a gift card so they can load up on some new reading. (Bonus points if you send over suggestions for the best distracting books you’ve read recently.)

5. Be quiet and listen

New moms may need someone to talk to, so it can be nice to offer your services as a sounding board. The key, Dr. Reynolds says, is not injecting yourself into any worries or fears she shares with you. “Generally speaking, steer clear of giving advice,” she says. “I’ve heard from moms I work with—and as a relatively new mom myself—[new moms] get a lot of unsolicited advice from family or friends that just isn’t helpful.”

Simply checking in and inviting your loved one to share what it’s been like for them is enough—you don’t need to compare your experiences of new motherhood to theirs (and this often does more harm than good).

If—and only if—a new mom asks for any guidance on resources, Dr. Reynolds recommends the following digital options, all of which are designed for new parents.

• Canopie: A maternal mental health website (and app) that offers help with the emotional challenges that come with new motherhood
• Mae: A website designed for women of color that offers pregnancy and postpartum support
• Taking Cara Babies: A site that offers a curriculum that helps parents learn what healthy sleep looks like in newborns

6. Organize familiar outings

Having a baby fundamentally changes who you are as a person, and this can be jarring. “Becoming a new mom is a beautiful and wonderful experience, but it’s a real shift in identity for the mom,” Dr. Vani says. At times, it’s bittersweet. “For many people, being a new mom does come with this missing of the old self,” Dr. Reynolds says.

It might be helpful to suggest or organize activities that you and your loved one used to do before she became a mom. This could mean taking her out for a meal at your go-to spot, planning a picnic in her favorite park (or other public space), or doing a hobby she liked to do before she became a mother.

Many new moms are balancing their new responsibilities with the person they were before they had a child, and these simple acts may help them define their emerging identity.

7. Send her something you *know* she likes

Friends and family members of new moms often (and understandably) swoon over her baby, but Mother’s Day should, in the end, be about mom. “The focus might be on the baby, but ask yourself what would make the mom feel good, loved, cared for, or tended to,” Dr. Reynolds says. This may be a gift card to a spa she likes, her favorite flowers, or a delivery of pastries from her favorite bakery.

The bottom line

Our societies fail new moms in many important ways. New moms rarely get adequate paid time off when they have a child, and they’re often expected to physically recover from birth in an unrealistic amount of time. (It can take a year or longer, Dr. Reynolds says.) The kindness and care that you extend to new moms often means much more than you think it does, experts said.

Executing one (or two! or three!) of the above acts this weekend can reassure the new moms in your life that they’re not alone, and that their loved ones will help them with the challenges that come with motherhood.