‘I’m a Reproductive Psychologist, and This Is the Number 1 Thing People Get Wrong About Becoming a Mom’

Motherhood comes with a lot of expectations—some of them real, and some of them, well, not so much. Whether you’re expecting a baby, already in the trenches of parenting, or caring for children in any capacity, you’ve probably been flooded with opinions about what it’s like to be a mom.

With just about everyone offering their take on motherhood, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed and pressured by how your own experience will measure up. And if you’ve ever felt like there’s some unwritten rulebook about motherhood you’re supposed to follow, you’re not imagining it. But a lot of these ideas are far from accurate.  

We reached out to the experts to help clear up the top myths about motherhood. Some of these misconceptions could even be doing more harm than good. Stick with us as we debunk them.

The top myths about motherhood

When someone tries to tell you what motherhood “should” be like, here’s what the experts want you to remember: 

Myth #1: Maternal instinct will just kick in 

Sounds familiar? Sure, some people feel an immediate connection to mothering, but plenty don’t. Saba Harouni Lurie, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist at Take Root Therapy, tells Well+Good that this belief is one of the most widespread myths about motherhood. 

We probably tell ourselves this myth to bring reassurance and make the whole motherhood thing feel less uncertain or overwhelming, says Lurie. The reality is that motherhood is often something you learn along the way. Lurie explains that when that instinct doesn’t magically appear—which is *totally* normal, by the way—new moms often feel immense guilt that they’re already failing at the job. 

Hannah Holmes, PhD, a licensed psychologist specializing in reproductive health at Holmes Psychology, tells Well+Good she sees this all the time in her practice. “I wish more people understood that it’s completely normal to feel lost, confused, or out of sorts as a new mom, and this does not make you a bad mom,” she says.

Both experts agree: Motherhood isn’t necessarily something you’re born knowing how to do. It takes time, support, and plenty of learning by doing. So, if you’re still getting the hang of this mom life, you’re right on schedule.

Myth #2: A good mother loves every minute of motherhood

This myth is so common in part because there’s still such a stigma about expressing any negative feelings about motherhood, says Dr. Holmes. And the pressure to embrace every moment with joy can start as early as pregnancy, she notes.

Dr. Holmes remembers when she was pregnant and battling morning sickness, worrying that if she talked about how difficult it was without showing enough gratitude, she might be seen as a “bad mom”. Motherhood can be messy, and it’s okay not to love every moment of it. Talking about the challenges you’re facing can be really helpful, she says.  

This pressure to always be happy also adds guilt to exhaustion and overwhelm, notes Dr. Holmes. “Some chapters of motherhood will be more about survival and adaptation than about happiness and joy—and that is okay,” she adds.

Plus, there’s a whole identity shift happening that we don’t talk about enough. Becoming a mother (that’s called “matrescence” if you want to get technical) is a massive transformation. You’re caring for a tiny human and becoming a new version of yourself while hormones shift, sleep disappears, and your social life changes.¹ Feeling mixed emotions during this chaos is practically expected.

Myth #3: A good mother is a self-sacrificing one

I should always put myself last, as a mom. You may have heard this idea, and it, too, is a myth. Lurie points out that society tells us the more we give up for our kids, the better we are, as moms. This can make many moms feel guilty when they want anything for themselves—whether it’s rest, career goals, or space, she says. 

“But constantly putting your own needs last isn’t sustainable, and it doesn’t actually serve your kids in the long run,” Lurie adds. 

There’s a familiar airline safety instruction: “Put your own oxygen mask on before helping others.” And for good reason—you can’t help anyone if you’re struggling to breathe yourself. The same goes for motherhood. Making your own well-being a priority is just as important as taking care of your family.

Myth #4: You’ll feel a deep, instant bond with your baby

Those heartwarming movies where a mom gazes at her newborn and instantly feels a magical bond? Yeah, they’re setting up expectations that don’t necessarily match reality.

Not all moms feel that deep, instant connection they imagine, or that others say they would feel, explains Dr. Holmes. And it's important to remember that that is perfectly okay. 

Your relationship with your child is uniquely yours, and it’s allowed to bloom and grow at its own pace, without following anyone else’s timeline, she adds.

Myth #5: You can’t have a fulfilling life if you’re not a mother

This message often bombards us from all directions, sometimes subtly and sometimes not-so-subtly, suggesting that motherhood is the ultimate path to purpose and fulfillment. But that’s just not true, Lurie says. 

There are so many ways to live a rich, meaningful life that don’t involve raising tiny humans. Not everyone wants to be a parent, and not everyone can be—and neither situation means they’re missing out on some secret ingredient to happiness, she explains. 

How to prioritize your mental health in motherhood

With so much happening during the postpartum period, protecting your mental wellbeing is necessary. Our experts shared some tips to help you take care of yourself during this wild transition:

• Feel all your feelings: Allow yourself to experience the full range of emotions that come with motherhood, says Dr. Holmes. Yes, there’s joy and gratitude, but there’s also frustration, fear, and sometimes sadness. Be gentle with yourself when the tough emotions show up, she says.
• Ask for what you need: Seek support from the people in your lives, and be direct with them about what you need, advises Lurie. Do you need someone to wash dishes? Bring a meal? Sit with you during that fussy evening stretch? Most people want to help, but don’t know how. Telling them exactly what would make your day easier can help everyone, she says.
• Accept the help: When someone offers assistance, say yes, urges Dr. Holmes. “Your support system is an important source of strength,” she says, and accepting help creates space for rest while letting your loved ones show they care. Remember the oxygen mask principle—you can’t pour from an empty cup.
• Connect with other moms: Motherhood can sometimes feel like you’re in your own little bubble, but connecting with other moms can be such a huge relief. Dr. Holmes suggests reaching out to local parent groups in your community if you don’t already have parent friends. Honestly, just having a chat with someone who “gets it” can make you feel a lot less alone, adds Lurie.
• Speak up about your experiences: We get it—opening up about your struggles isn’t always easy. But no one can read your mind, so it’s up to you to let others know when you need support, says Lurie. When you’re just hanging on by a thread, you may not even realize that you’re struggling, she notes. Ask trusted people what they observe, as they might notice signs of burnout before you do.

When to reach out for professional support 

The early postpartum months can be a whirlwind. And sometimes, it’s more than anyone should handle alone. 

If you’re finding it hard to trust yourself to care for your baby, struggling to sleep even when your little one is snoozing, or feeling overwhelmed with guilt and worthlessness, it might be time to ask for some support, says Lurie. And even if you’re not experiencing these, managing mood swings, feelings of sadness, and anxiety is tough, and talking to someone can help.²

Some short-term “baby blues” are expected and usually go away as you adjust and settle into your new normal, says Dr. Holmes.³ But if you’re feeling down or anxious for more than a couple of weeks, things are getting worse, or your mood is interfering with caring for yourself or your little one, that’s your cue to reach out. 

And if you’re having thoughts of harming yourself or others, get help immediately. Reach out to the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline by calling or texting 988, or connect with a counselor online. It's important to remember that support is always available.   

Keep in mind: Talking to a professional doesn’t mean you’ve failed—it means you’re wise enough to seek support when you need it. And honestly, that’s one of the things that makes you a great mom.

The bottom line 

For way too long, society has painted this picture of the “good” mom as selfless, always in control, and totally fulfilled by motherhood. That’s just not the reality for most of us. Motherhood is beautiful and messy and wonderful and hard—sometimes all within the same five minutes.  

The idea that moms will instinctively know what to do, love every second of motherhood, and feel an immediate cosmic bond is pure fiction for most of us. These myths can leave new moms feeling isolated when their experience doesn’t match the glossy version they’ve been promised. 

It’s okay to have mixed feelings. Taking care of yourself is necessary. And your relationship with your child is allowed to develop at its own pace. The best mom you can be is the one who’s honest about the journey, kind to herself along the way, and asks for support when needed.