Sex Advice

3 Sneaky Ways to Masturbate Quickly When You Have Zero Minutes of Alone Time

Mary Grace Garis

Mary Grace GarisApril 29, 2020

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You love your partner, and you also love your favorite vibrator, and you love having alone time with each of them. But if you live with your partner, you likely don’t have any real alone time to speak of right now, in light of quarantining. And that complete lack of privacy is likely seriously cramping your self-pleasure time. So, are there ways to masturbate quickly and quietly? Because at this point, you can’t get in a second to yourself.

Well, first know that it’s okay to simply ask for some Me Time, as long as you’re dealing with a mature, respectful partner. In fact, during a recent episode of the Sex with Emily podcast, sexologist and host Emily Morse, PhD, pointed out that being that up-front about your needs and desires is healthy for your relationship in the long run.

“[It’s a] great time to have conversations with your partner about the fact that you do masturbate, that it’s part of being sexually healthy, that you actually need that release.” —sexologist Emily Morse, PhD

“[It’s a] great time to have conversations with your partner about the fact that you do masturbate, that it’s part of being sexually healthy, that you actually need that release,” says Dr. Morse. “It’s okay to give each other time to be alone without each other, like to say ‘I need the bedroom, I need some self pleasure.'”

Those tips are indeed super-helpful…if you happen to be in the one scenario of quarantining with your partner with whom you can and should feel comfortable sharing your desire to masturbate. But what if you’re staying at home with a whole bunch of roommates, with whom you don’t feel the need to be so forthright? What if you’re stuck in your childhood home along with your entire biological family? And whereas some childless couples might have more time to embellish their foreplay, others are stuck in homeschooling hell—what should you do in that case?

First, don’t worry—you can still certainly find ways to masturbate quickly without anyone finding out about it. Below, Rebecca Alvarez Story, sexologist and founder of intimate-product brand Bloomi, shares her top three tips for fitting it in.

3 ways to masturbate quickly without your quarantine housemates finding out.

1. Multitask by making your shower time a little bit dirty

Since the bathroom tends to be a safe bet for where you can find a few moments for privacy, making use of your time in there is one of the easiest way to stealthily masturbate (and it doesn’t hurt to lock the door just in case).

“Use your time in the shower to both wash off and relax for a couple minutes with a quick masturbating session,” says Story. “A product like Bloomi arousal oil feels great in the shower since it’s not water-based and won’t wash off right away. Once you’re done with your couple minutes of bliss, you simply rinse off.” [Editor’s note: Arousal oil is meant for external use only.]

And hell, feel free to get creative while you’re in there! Though the bathroom acoustics can be conspicuous, it’s easy to sneak in one of your whisper-quiet vibrators. And don’t forget: Your shower head is a sex toy in disguise—and usually a great one at that.

2. Masturbate early or late in the day

“Use the first couple minutes of waking up as a jump-start to your day or the last few minutes of unwinding to help you fall asleep,” says Story.

To wake and masturbate, do yourself a favor and start adjusting your alarm 20 minutes earlier than normal, then reassure your bedfellow that they can go back to sleep and quietly go about your business or go to the bathroom. More of a night owl? Pull a Fleabag and wait until your partner is sleeping before you break out the videos of Obama. (Look, we’re all lusting to relive a time that predates the 2016 election anyway, I get it.)

3. Speed up your orgasm

If you can actually steal away for just five minutes, put on a TV show, or a ceiling fan, or a vacuum cleaner, or a washing machine—anything really will work—and make this a straight-up Mission Possible. Story suggests that you grab a toy with high-frequency vibration versus one that eases you into the process, because, sigh, who has the luxury to take the scenic route right now?

“Some vibrators are packed with a powerful set of features,” says Story. “Use one like LELO’s Liv 2 or Gigi 2 that’ll allow you to orgasm quickly.”

Keep in mind that targeting a clitoral orgasm will usually be a faster route than vaginal penetration. Likewise, you can work on stimulating multiple erogenous zones at once, so you can expedite your climax and maybe even reach a new peak in record time. Whatever path you take to find your O during stolen moments away, though, is always a good one, but especially so during this claustrophobic, chaos-ruling situation.

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