Let’s dive in, shall we? Lingerie brand Pour Moi recently investigated Spotify data to see what kind of music gets people in the mood, and I am screaming over the list of songs to masturbate to. Now, personally I think we should all have some stock songs to masturbate to, it’s a simple way to ease into a state of arousal and melt off low libido blues in high anxiety times. But they analyzed over 20,000 songs from playlists named “touching myself,” “solo sex,” and “masturbation playlist.” And I have some thoughts. But first, here’s the rundown:
- “I Touch Myself” – Divinyls
- “Sex With Me” – Rihanna
- “Love Myself” – Hailee Steinfeld
- “Call Out My Name” – The Weeknd
- “Often” – The Weeknd
- “Slow Dancing in the Dark” – Joji
- “Get You (feat. Kali Uchis)” – Daniel Caesar
- “Earned It” – The Weeknd
- “Take On Me” – A-ha
- “Everybody Wants To Rule The World” – Tears For Fears
- “Under the Bridge” – Red Hot Chili Peppers
- “Feeling Myself” – Nicki Minaj
Okay, so, this is a terrible showing.
I mean, The Weeknd is an objectively good pick for all sexual things ever, he also pops up multiple times in Spotify’s “Most Listened Songs To Have Sex To.” And we see some very literal and tongue-in-cheek picks there, that’s also a choice. But “I Touch Myself” is not a sexy track after the age of 15, if that. Also if you’re going for any Tears for Fears song it’s going to be “Head Over Heels,” even that’s only if your gameplan for the day is “masturbate with a sense of ennui.”
Sorry if I have strong feelings, but I do think this is my area of expertise. I am all at once someone who gets paid to test out vibrators and someone who intensely curates mix CDs in 2020 and 3. Pretentious. So unf–k your Spotify Solo Sex playlist and consider adding these songs to masturbate to into your rotation.
These are the best songs to masturbate to
1. “Lava” by The B-52s
From my recollection, the B-52s’ entire debut album is all good to boink too. However, you can also zero in on this track if you’re plotting out some vibe time that’s hot and highly frenetic. Maybe just to even put yourself in the fantasy of having a particularly buoyant rendezvous with someone fun but probably not-that-great for you in the long run.
2. “The Beautiful Ones” by Prince
Hi, you will literally never ever go wrong with using Prince to erotically charge yourself, period. But rather than just recommend roughly 96 percent of his discography, let’s zone in on this classic from the “Purple Rain” soundtrack. What we have here is an unhinged and in some parts scream-y display of jealousy and desire. “The Beautiful Ones” is proof that hot people should never die, and passion is best heard out of the the throat of His Purple Majesty. Do not fear using this song liberally.
3. “Bonnie and Clyde” by Serge Gainsbourg and Bridget Bardot
In one corner you have the wildly French, statuesque sex symbol Brigitte Bardot. In the other corner you have Serge Gainsbourg, kind of looks like a foot but also wildly French and a sex symbol. Their union is this 1960s masterpiece, slow, sensual, and perfect for the shower. This music cascades. Follow that flow.
4. “Venus in Furs” by The Velvet Underground
For clarity, I don’t really use “Venus in Furs” as an exclusive self-pleasure track, but I do use it to shift into a more erotic mindset. Even though the song opens with only harshness and heavy strings, it forces you to slow down and slip into a bedroom-eyed state of being. Also it’s like, a song based on a novella about BDSM. So you know. That.
5. Probably the entire soundtrack of 1996’s “Romeo + Juliet”
My colleague Gabrielle Moss and I both have strong feelings about this being a covert sexual awakening album. Garbage’s “#1 Crush” is dark, dangerous, heated and heavy. Radiohead’s “Talk Show Host” has a similar ominous energy with weirder lyrics (“a pack of sandwiches,” what the hell?). I guess The Cardigan’s “Love Fool” could be like a fun, “I am literally daydream-y and touching myself for the first time about someone who makes feel twitterpated” song, but it’s a bit too innocent for me.
6. “Bad Liar” by Selena Gomez
Actually, this is a good track for a daydreamy, borderline innocent masturbation sesh. Like a daytime romp where you’re keeping it light! You’re keeping it fun! It’s Disney Channel sweetheart Selena Gomez! It’s the bass line from Talking Head’s “Psycho Killer”! Sync that up to a We-Vibe Chorus and go off.
7. “You Come In Burned” by The Dandy Warhols
This was prominently featured in a particularly rough episode of The OC (oh, Marissa, how I wish you could’ve gotten it together) and now it’s forever emblazoned in my mind. “You Come In Burned” has that sort of an unstable aura so only use it when you want to tap into something a little darker than usual.
But yeah, The Weeknd is fine, too.
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