You Could Get Paid $10,000 To Poop All Summer—No Toilet Paper Required

If you’re looking for a WFH summer job where you can literally s–t the day away, hold on to your seat. Sustainable bathroom product company Tushy is looking to pay a professional pooper $10,000 over the summer to serve as its—I’m not making this up—VP of Fecal Matters. And if you can get on board with using a bidet and making your essential business, well, everyone’s business, you might just be a great fit for the new part-time role, which reports to Chief Pooping Officer Mark Hyman, MD.

That said, the gig does seem to be more involved than simply going about your BM business as normal: According to the job listing, applicants should probably have knowledge of the Bristol Stool Scale and an “open door policy” when it comes to discussing bathroom habits. Because not only are you expected to interview those closest to you on their toilet preferences, but you’ll be documenting the whole thrilling journey on Tushy’s social media accounts. Suffice to say, this isn’t ideal from someone who gets stage fright from public restrooms. (Related, remember when public bathrooms were a thing?)

Not only are you expected to interview those closest to you on their toilet preferences, but you’ll be documenting the whole thrilling journey on Tushy’s social media accounts.

If you’re shame-free about sharing your bathroom habits, but aren’t sure about using a bidet, it might be time to change your stance and abandon TP for good. After years of thriving overseas, the modern-day bidet may finally have an opening to change hearts and minds stateside. Remember “Desperate Shoppers x Toilet Paper,” the go-love story of 2020’s second quarter? By switching to the eco-friendly (15 million trees get cut down every year for toilet paper alone), fiscally smart, and space-saving bidet, you could see yourself out of that narrative forever.

Furthermore, the choice might do your butt hygiene, too. “[Bidets] save trees and help the climate, but they also help out with things like hemorrhoids and anal fissures,” Dr. Hyman previously told Well+Good. “It’s actually a much better way of dealing with your poop than the way we do it in America. When people travel anywhere else in the world, you realize that’s how most of the rest of the world does it.”

Of course, safety is important, too. We now know that fecal matter in toilet plumes, the aerosolization of whatever’s in toilet bowl when you flush, may contribute spread COVID-19. There isn’t much by way of research contending that using a bidet has a toilet plume effect, but do make sure you use the product correctly, so as to not spread…your business. And of course, take normal precautionary measures to reduce risk of virus spread in the bathroom, like by closing the toilet bowl before flushing and optimizing ventilation.

Still sound appealing? Down to give toilet paper the boot? Have no big plans for the next three months? Excited to share stories about your diarrhea with people other than your best friend (you know who you are, and I really need you to not send photos when I’m on my lunch break)? Well, applications are open until July 7, so you can check out the full pun-laden VP of Fecal Matters job listing here.