Ali Fedotowsky may be living her best life as a newlywed and proud mom, but she has definitely not forgotten the ups and downs of dating around. As a former contestant on The Bachelor, then the star of The Bachelorette, she’s experienced more than her fair share of being rejected—and letting guys down.
So sure, right now she’s busy unpacking her wedding gifts and creating adorable Easter eggs with her seven-month-old daughter, Molly, but she’s been there. And she has lots of advice for anyone out there suffering from dating fatigue—but not giving up on the game.
Keep reading for Fedotowsky’s tips on staying sane while looking for love—as well as the right way to let someone down easily.
Remind yourself (over and over) that things will get better
It sucks when someone tells you things just aren’t going to work out. It just does. And in those moments, it’s easy to start feeling really down about yourself. Fedotowsky has a little trick for that. “I was rejected a lot, and afterward, I would drive and say out loud to myself, ‘Ali, you are a strong woman. You are a kickass woman. You can do anything. You got this.’ I would say those words out loud to myself, and the act of saying them leads to believing it. It seriously works!”
“I would drive and say out loud to myself, ‘Ali, you are a strong woman. You are a kickass woman. You can do anything. You got this.'”
And if you’re worried the person in the next car will think you’re crazy, try it at home, looking in the mirror. Either way, Fedotowsky swears that verbal affirmations will make you feel powerful and in charge.
Don’t ghost—and be direct
Do you even have to go through the whole rejection text/call/teary goodbye if you’ve only been out with someone, like once? What about three times? It’s not like you two were picking out baby names…but in Fedotowsky’s opinion, it’s never okay to freeze them out.
“Definitely do not ghost,” she says. “Just be polite and text them saying, ‘I had a lovely time on our date, but I don’t think it’s going to work out between us.” Okay, but what about someone that Just. Won’t. Get it. “If they keep texting you, that’s weird, so then it’s okay to ghost,” she says.
“It’s important to be straightforward and not string anyone along. That’s the biggest thing.”
Whether you’ve been on one date or 100, Fedotowsky’s biggest tip for letting someone down without triggering a waterfall of ugly tears is to be explicitly clear that it isn’t going to work out. Harsh, but it needs to be done. “Just be honest and say something like, ‘I think you’re a great person, but this isn’t going to happen between you and I.’ It’s important to be straightforward and not string anyone along. That’s the biggest thing.” The worst thing you can do is give someone false hope—trust her on this one.
Push through the pain
The whole thing can be exhausting, and Fedotowsky has some tips for that, too. (Seeing 26 guys at once makes her pretty qualified to give advice, wouldn’t you say?) “When I was on The Bachelorette, I remember being so tired and not wanting to go on dates,” she says. Her advice: Do it anyway.
“If finding love is important to you, you need to treat it like your job.”
“You never know when you could meet the love of your life, and if finding love is important to you, you need to treat it like your job,” Fedotowsky says. “It needs to be your number-one priority, going on dates multiple times a week. You aren’t going to find love by sitting on the couch in your PJs!”
And if dating apps are bumming you out, Fedotowsky’s advice is to do you, and let things flow from there. (You can be ridiculously happy when you’re single, after all.) “Getting out there and following your passions gives you a greater chance to meet someone else who shares that,” she says. “Go out, enjoy life, and love will come to you.”
Speaking of dating apps, Sweatt is specifically made for fitness-minded people—and it’s a good thing it exists because flirting at the gym is hard.
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