‘I’m a Marriage Counselor and Here’s Exactly How to Know if Your Relationship Is Going to Last’

Ever found yourself analyzing a text message for hidden meaning after a fight with your partner? Or wondering if a disagreement over something small—like how to load the dishwasher—means your relationship is fizzling out?

It happens to most of us. Conflict is a part of every relationship.¹ When things get tense, we tend to question everything, especially whether the connection has what it takes to go the distance.

So, is there a way to know if a relationship will last? We tapped the experts. Yeah, there’s no crystal ball (if only!), but there are patterns that can reveal a lot. Let’s unpack them. 

10 ways to tell if your relationship will last 

A lasting relationship isn’t about agreeing on everything. Here are the habits and behaviors that experts say help couples stay connected, especially when things get rocky.

1. You approach conflict as a team

How you handle those inevitable relationship squabbles says a lot about whether your relationship will last, Judith Joseph, MD, a board-certified psychiatrist and author of the USA Today bestseller High Functioning, tells Well+Good.

“Couples who thrive during conflict are excellent communicators,” explains Dr. Joseph. They don’t see conflict as opposition; they view it as a problem that they solve together, she adds. When you see an argument as something you both need to work through, rather than a “me vs. you” situation, you’re more likely to come out stronger.

2. You repair quickly after a conflict

Every couple argues (yes, even those “perfect” Instagram couples). But it’s what happens after that that matters most, says Jordanne Sculler, LMHC, a licensed mental health counselor and psychotherapist based in New York. 

Couples that last don’t simmer in silent treatment, keep scores, or bring up that time you forgot their birthday three years ago. After a fight, they apologize sincerely, own their part, and work toward a resolution together, says Sculler. 

3. You maintain independence while being connected

Healthy relationships allow both people to be individuals and a couple, Morgan Cope, PhD, assistant professor of psychology at Centre College, tells Well+Good.

Think of it like this: In a strong relationship, you and your partner should be able to do your own thing while also being connected and intimate when you’re together. You need “me time” to make the “we time” work. 

If one or both partners feel like they can’t function without the other, it might be a sign that the relationship is more about defining who you are, rather than both of you building something healthy together, explains Dr. Cope. But when you can switch comfortably between spending quality time together and pursuing your own hobbies and having your personal space, it’s a sign of balance, she adds. 

4. You see each other as equals

“If you believe your partner is ‘better’ than you, or you are ‘better’ than your partner, this will weaken a relationship,” says Dr. Cope. 

A strong relationship is built on seeing each other as equals. We all bring something different to the table. Maybe your partner is a pro in the kitchen while you... not so much (no shame!). That doesn’t make one more valuable than the other, explains Dr. Cope.  

The important thing is mutual respect and the belief that both people deserve happiness, dignity, and support. Relationships where both partners help each other grow and help one another find happiness without one person always giving more than the other are less likely to end up with resentment or guilt, she adds. 

5. You show love in big and small ways

Grand romantic gestures—Valentine’s Day cards, anniversary gifts, and other proclamations of love—are sweet and definitely important. But they don’t hold a relationship together on their own, especially in times of conflict, explains Dr. Cope. 

It’s the little things, the small moments of care that do the heavy lifting in a relationship, she notes. Things like making that cup of tea your partner loves, even though it’s not your thing at all (hello coffee lovers), sending a supportive text during a stressful day, or taking turns with the grocery run. They might seem minor, but they can build a solid foundation that’s tough to shake. And when life throws curveballs, you’ll have a long list of practical ways your partner makes your world a little better, she adds.

6. You accept change in yourselves and each other

People change. “The person you enter into a relationship with will likely not be the exact same person one year later—or ten years,” says Dr. Cope. Change is part of life, and some might say that’s the beauty of it.   

Partners who welcome and back each other through these changes—whether it’s a new job, becoming parents, dealing with loss, or moving to a new place—tend to stay connected and grow strong together, she notes. 

7. You stay curious about each other

When change happens (and it will), how do you handle it in a way that keeps your relationship strong? You stay curious.

Stay curious about each other’s thoughts, fears, dreams, and evolving identities, Sculler says. Showing interest in each other’s inner world helps couples grow together instead of waking up one day wondering, “When did we become strangers?” 

Ask your partner things like, “What’s something new you’ve been thinking about lately?” or “Is there something you’ve always wanted to try but never got the chance to?” Share your own thoughts, too—it’s a two-way street. 

8. You can be authentically yourselves

The best relationships feel like home—a place where both partners can be totally themselves. When both of you feel safe enough to be silly, vulnerable, imperfect, and real, that’s a sign of true emotional security, Sculler explains.  

It means you don’t have to filter every word or worry about keeping up some perfect image, because, honestly, that’s exhausting and not sustainable anyway. Instead, you both get to show up as you are—flaws, quirks, and all, Sculler adds. And when a relationship lets you do that? That’s real intimacy.

9. You aim to understand rather than win

Winning is great for board games, trivia nights, and rock-paper-scissors. But in relationships? It’s not the goal.

In lasting relationships, couples don’t treat disagreements like battles. They focus on understanding each other instead of proving who’s right, says Sculler. “When we believe that our partner has positive intentions, not that they’re out to win, we can better understand each other without feeling attacked,” she explains.

And partners in lasting relationships don’t just listen so they can fire back a response, says Kiana Shelton, LCSW, a therapist and licensed clinical social worker at Mindpath Health. They listen with the intent to understand, which can make tough conversations feel like teamwork instead of a competition, she says.

10. You show up even when it’s messy

Sure, it’s great to be there for the big wins, birthdays, and celebrations. But showing up consistently when it’s hard helps build the kind of trust that can weatherproof your relationship against life’s bigger storms, says Sculler. 

That could mean sticking by your partner when they’re having a rough day or helping out when you’d rather just put your feet up. It might even mean dragging yourself out of bed at the crack of dawn to cheer them on at that running marathon they’ve been training for. 

Partners who know they can count on each other—through the highs and the lows—are laying the groundwork for a relationship that’s built to last, adds Sculler.

Other tips to improve your relationship

So, how do you strengthen your connection? Our experts shared these tips:

• Know your attachment style: People have different ways of responding to relationships. Some are anxious (they worry about rejection), some are avoidant (they struggle with commitment), and others are secure (they can form strong bonds without fear of closeness or losing themselves), Dr. Joseph explains. Understanding your attachment style can help you better understand how you react, especially during conflicts, she adds.²
• Recognize individual vs. relationship needs: Your partner and relationship can give you some things—love, support, a back rub after a long day. But for other things, you’ve got to handle them yourself (think: self-esteem, personal goals). Dr. Cope explains that knowing which is which helps prevent the “why aren’t you fulfilling me completely?” frustration that, honestly, no relationship can survive.
• Check satisfaction—both relationship and personal: Casual check-ins about the romantic, friendship, and sexual sides of your relationship can catch small issues before they snowball, explains Dr. Cope. And it’s not a one-way street. Create time for each person to share what’s going well and what needs attention, Shelton adds. At the same time, make sure you’re meeting your personal goals and maintaining your identity outside of “us”, adds Dr. Cope. If not, it’s time to talk about it.
• Learn how your partner prefers to communicate: Because words (and actions) matter, ask your partner about their communication style. Do they need space to process tough talks? Do they prefer a reassuring touch during difficult discussions? Understanding their style can help you approach conversations in a way that works for both of you, explains Dr. Cope.
• Share your own needs: Our partners are not mind-readers. Instead of saying, “You’re always on your phone,” try, “I feel distant and need more time together,” says Dr. Joseph. If things get heated, take a pause, calm down, and then talk. And bring up the small things that frustrate you, says Dr. Cope, before they turn into big conflicts.
• Reflect before responding: Remember when we talked about listening with the intent to understand? Here’s a tip: Repeat back what you hear. Try saying, “What I’m hearing you say is...” before jumping in to respond, says Dr. Joseph. We know, we know… it might sound like you’re hosting a daytime talk show at first, but it creates a habit of truly listening.
• Pick your moment wisely: Having difficult conversations when you’re hangry, exhausted, or rushing out the door is a no-no. Dr. Cope suggests picking a moment when you both have the mental and emotional energy to actually hear each other.
• Create daily connection rituals: Dr. Joseph encourages quick morning check-ins and phone-free quality time. They can be more powerful than grand gestures, she adds. Sculler reminds us to take a few minutes to ask “how are you really doing?”—and actually wait for the real answer, not just the automatic “fine.”
• Express gratitude daily: Noticing and thanking your partner for the little things, like remembering your preferred AC setting, helps build appreciation and keep the connection strong, says Sculler.

When to reach out to a professional for support

Therapy can be a helpful tool, even for the happiest couples. Dr. Joseph says that if you’re stuck in the same fight over and over, or if one or both of you feel emotionally unsafe or unheard, it might be time to connect with a mental health professional. Therapy can give you a safe space to talk through those feelings and figure things out. And Sculler adds that if intimacy, trust, or respect is slipping away, therapy can help get things back on track before they spiral further.

When you start pulling others—friends, family, or even your kids—into your relationship drama, it’s time for someone neutral and trained to listen objectively. Your best friend might give great advice, but they’re not exactly impartial.

If you’re confused or frustrated about something in your relationship (your partner’s behavior or your own reactions), therapy can help you find the answers you’re looking for, says Dr. Cope. And it doesn’t have to be a reaction to problems, either. Some people go to therapy to better understand themselves and their relationships, she adds.

The bottom line  

Some relationships last because both partners put in the effort. They work through challenges as a team, resolve conflict before it snowballs, balance independence with connection, and keep learning about each other as they grow. They show love in big and small ways (like remembering no raw onions in their salad) and build trust by showing up even when it’s hard.

Relationships take work, but when both partners commit to listening, growing, and loving intentionally, that effort turns into a deeper bond, says Shelton. When something’s off in your relationship, therapy can give you the tools to fix it. And no, you don’t need to be in crisis mode to benefit from therapy. Getting help early can help you spot patterns that might be holding you both back from your best relationship.