Therapists Agree These 4 Signs Could Mean You’re Feeling Insecure in Your Relationship

The hopeless romantics aren’t going to like this one, but that sinking feeling in the pit of our stomachs that something is awry with our relationship? It’s actually normal—and most of us have felt it. However, it’s not always our partner who is at fault. It’s worth interrogating whether we might be operating from a place of insecurity.

Insecurity is a common human response to any situation that puts us in a state of inadequacy. In the context of romantic relationships, this can stem from something as small as an unanswered text message or a sudden canceled plan. But if left unaddressed, these insecurities can build up until they manifest on a day-to-day basis and subconsciously affect the way we treat our significant others. 

Before it reaches that point, it's helpful to know why you might feel insecure in your relationship, what the signs are, and how to fix it—straight from marriage therapists and relationship coaches.

The real causes of romantic anxiety

Our templates for healthy relationships originate from our primary caregivers, who were most likely our parents or close family members. “Insecurity today could come from these early attachment wounds: they don’t have to be massive trauma that we experienced,” says Christian Bumpous, MA, LMFT, LPC, CDWF, licensed marriage and family therapist at Therapie. 

But if this initial instability and lack of assurance go unchecked, it could bleed into our current relationship ties. For instance, a person could have experienced challenges with self-worth in the past and internalized messages like, ‘I’m not good enough.’ But if you don't address these beliefs internally, they can affect your external relationships.

Let's be real: It also doesn’t help that we live in the social media age—a landscape of constant comparison. “Humans are hardwired to weigh ourselves against our peers to make sure we fit with norms, traditions, and expectations,” Bumpous elaborates. “But the problem is we’re seeing a highly filtered reality—a distorted perception of what relationships should be like.” 

Counselor and psychotherapist Dani Saliani cites the oversaturation of pop psychology dating advice as potent fuel for relationship insecurity. “Advice like ‘if he wanted to, he would' or takes on breadcrumbing, love bombing, and micro-cheating are frequently oversimplified," she explains. "Every time people spend hours absorbing these unqualified takes, they may become hypervigilant in their own relationships."

4 signs of relationship insecurity

So, how exactly do you know if you're feeling insecure in a relationship? These signs can help you understand more about your feelings and identify concerns that may need to be addressed.

1. Emotionally withdrawing

Saliani says that pulling away and taking time off is often the easiest thing to do when we’re faced with any form of conflict. “Why move towards vulnerability when it can hurt us, right?” she says. But this pattern of push-and-pull might trigger an anxious partner, “leading to a cycle of pursuing and distancing in which no one wins.”

2. Overanalyzing and spiraling

Bumpous explains that another indicator of insecurity would be “getting stuck in thought loops surrounding texts, tones of voice, and time spent replying.” While there can be real underlying triggers, sometimes, there’s nothing to worry about. Unfortunately, our brains don’t always know that: “When we can’t find solid ground, we start scanning for problems, even if there aren’t any,” holistic therapist and professional clinical counselor Cheryl Groskopf shares.

3. Feeling threatened by your partner’s other relationships

We’ve all heard of jealousy over potential romantic rivals. But one study published in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science found that we can also feel threatened by our partner’s friends “through their potential to draw [their] tangible and intangible resources, like time and intimacy” away from us.¹

4. Constantly seeking reassurance

Reassurance in itself isn’t a bad thing. But routinely questioning if you did anything wrong and whether they still love you will eventually lead to anxiety, overthinking, irritability, and burnout. “These can make it really difficult to connect when we want to because constantly living in fear of something never makes us feel like we’re actually safe in the moment,” Groskopf says. 

Such self-sabotaging behaviors can similarly fuel feelings of anxiety, depression, and ultimately even disconnection in the relationship. How ironic that it ends up putting us in the exact position we wanted to avoid in the first place, right?

So, how can you be a secure partner?

To reiterate, it’s normal for feelings of insecurity to occasionally surface—and everyone experiences this from time to time. But rather than bottling everything up or immediately grasping for solutions, Groskopf suggests owning and sitting with our feelings. “Building security [within a relationship] doesn’t mean pretending to be chill. It’s getting honest with yourself, slowing down your reactions, and actually sharing what’s going on,” she says.

It might also help to consider how you might be projecting previous trauma from core relationships, especially if you feel like you might be misinterpreting their facial expressions, behaviors, or intentions. “During times we’re especially insecure, in some sense, we forget who we are, who [our significant others] are, and what time period we’re in. Try to remind yourself of these things before doing anything concerning,” Saliani says.

When you finally choose to discuss any issues or insecurities with your partner, Saliani suggests reframing “you” to “I” statements to avoid passing the blame. For instance, rather than an accusatory “You don’t love me anymore,” you might want to try, “I felt worried after you said that, can we talk about it?” This puts your significant other less on the defensive and offers an opportunity for dialogue.

If your partner(s) are as receptive and supportive as you believe them to be, you can work together towards building a “culture of appreciation and reassurance,” in Bumpous’ words. He suggests developing a shared language that can be used as a buffer each time feelings of insecurity arise: “This can be as simple as saying, ‘I love you. I’m here. We’re okay.'”

But, even if you start processing your feelings internally, there still may be some instances where you can get stuck in what The Gottman Institute refers to as gridlock. “This is when you fight about the same thing and find no solution to it, sometimes even feeling stuck in destructive patterns like emotional outbursts and combative behaviors,” Bumpous explains. And that, of course, might feel frustrating.

While talking to your partner and expressing your feelings is a great place to start developing more relationship security, sometimes you might need a little more help to get there. Many people consider reaching out to a mental health professional, either for individual sessions or couples therapy options, for some added support.

If you've heard the phrase, "relationships take work," it's because they do. So find what helps you feel emotionally secure in your relationship and how to discuss any insecurities with your partner. Sure, this may take some time to get to where you want to be, but talking about it is the first step to doing something about it. Good relationships, after all, are meant to feel like walking on air or basking in sunshine, not like stepping on eggshells or waiting for the other shoe to drop.