Flip Flops Are an Abomination and No One Can Convince Me Otherwise

Photo: Getty Images/Cokacoka
I was minding my own business and doing some online shopping when, out of nowhere, I stumbled upon a fashion edit of…flip flops. It is too early in the morning for this, I thought to myself. (Okay, it was 3 p.m., but it's never a good time to discover that flip flops may be coming back in style.) Fashion is apparently ready to make flip flops happen: Brands like Isabel Marant, Zimmermann, and Proenza Schouler—brands that I generally like—have these monstrosities in their spring lineups. And Vogue is telling me I should "give this silhouette of the past a second chance." No thanks. Hard pass.

When I've shared this hot take/correct opinion with others, they've asked if this applies to all sandals and slides. And no, it does not. For the purposes of this discussion, I'm talking about thong flip flops, which take the ugly shoe trend (one I can otherwise totally get behind) way, way too far.

As I write this at a coffee shop, multiple people surrounding me are wearing thong sandals. Admittedly, I live in Venice (the Los Angeles variety), which is basically the last place you should live if you want to avoid people wearing flip flops. A couple of them have slid their flip flops off, and are now barefoot. In public.

The noise flip flops make is a death knell for my libido. It's like every uncomfortable encounter I've ever had with another human turned into sound.

A grown man that I was dating happened to mention that he loved flip flops. Saying that you love flip flops is a bold statement. You are talking about a flap of material that is strapped to your feet via two small pieces of another material that combine and nestle between your toes. I am a Pisces and therefore love to love things that are bad for me, and even I think that's going too far.

In addition to being the footwear equivalent of Gigli, thong sandals are also supremely unsanitary. But if you're a flip flop wearer, this is probably not news to you and is not going to change your mind about wearing them. (If you're not aware, here are some stats.)

There's something so wild and unsettling about the way you're forced to walk when you wear thong sandals. It's like they turn everyone who wears them into flapping, wobbly toddlers with clenched toes on the verge of falling over. This clenching, by the way, is not good for your feet. In a world that's already fraught with chaos, do we really need flip flops to keep us off-balance? No. The answer is unequivocally no.

People will say that thong sandals are utilitarian for activities like going to the pool or showering at the gym. I can almost get on board with this, but would still much prefer slides. They're more comfortable, are more stable to walk in, and make less noise.

About that noise... The noise flip flops make is a death knell for my libido. It's like every uncomfortable encounter I've ever had with another human turned into sound.

To summarize:

  1. Flip flops are not real shoes.
  2. They are aesthetically unappealing.
  3. And really bad for your feet.
  4. So much unnecessary exposure to germs.
  5. They make a noise when you walk that can best be described as ungodly.

That is the TL;DR version; please feel free to copy/paste and forward to anyone you know who wears flip flops.

Ready for more opinions? Team Well+Good had thoughts about whether wearing your shoes indoors is disgusting or totally fine. And how about instead of flip flops, you try out a pair of these editor-approved sneakers instead?

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