5 Science-Backed Tips for Being Single and Happy—Even If You *Really* Want a Partner

Feeling beaten down by dating apps is totally understandable. After all, being single when you don’t want to be can be hard. You may feel lonely or not good enough. You might miss the unique types of intimacy—emotional and physical—that comes with a romantic relationship. You may be caught up in the thinking trap that romance is the one thing you need to be happy. You might feel societal pressure or the ticking of the “social clock” that says people are “supposed” to be married, have kids, and know the secret to being a fully functional, well-rounded adult by a certain (young) age. The pressure can be overwhelming and maybe even make you feel like achieving a happy life as a single person is impractical at best.

All of those feelings and experiences are more than fair, however, and believe us when we say being single and happy is far from impossible. It sounds easier said than done, but there are many (often overlooked) benefits to being single and taking advantage of them may be exactly what you’ve been missing on your journey to self-fulfillment.

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Is it okay to be single?

While TV shows and dating app ads might try to convince you otherwise, it is 110 percent okay to be single. In fact, being single is a pivotal part of life that helps us get in touch with who we really are. “It is not only okay, but absolutely necessary to be single,” says Dr. Morgan Anderson, a licensed clinical psychologist, attachment theory expert, relationship coach, and author of Love Magnet. “When we are single, we can do the work that we need to do on ourselves that makes us a magnet for healthy relationships. We can prioritize getting to know ourselves and doing our healing work so that when we do get into a relationship, it can be a healthy one that lasts.” (With that said, dare we suggest trying to stay single?)

Dr. Anderson adds that seasons of being single can give you time to build friendships as well as allow you to focus on your career, health, and other pieces of your life that also deserve attention. Additionally, singlehood (and working on yourself) can help you recover and build a solid relationship with yourself that will benefit you in the future. “It’s often healthy to be single, especially if you’ve just come out of a long-term relationship, if you have intimate relationship trauma or abuse that you need to recover from first, if you’re undergoing other major life transitions, or if you’re in a phase of life where you need to focus on your personal growth outside of a relationship,” says Natalie Moore, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Los Angeles who often works with millennials.

5 tips for being happy while being single

Whether you’re wondering how to be happy single after a breakup, or just how to be single and happy period, therapists and research have you covered with the following advice for single people.

1. Focus on deepening other relationships

Moore points to an 85-year longitudinal study from Harvard that found quality relationships are the strongest predictor of happiness and life satisfaction. “This includes all types of relationships, including platonic relationships,” she clarifies. “With this in mind, if you want to be single and happy, focus on deepening the relationships that you already have, instead of focusing on the lack of romantic love in your life.” Not sure where to start? Queerplatonic relationships, supercharged friendships that are not necessarily LGBTQ+-centric, are a great place to start!

2. Do the things that bring you joy

When you’re single, you have even more time to enjoy your hobbies. That comes with extra benefits, too: According to a study in Psychosomatic Medicine, leisure activities are associated with higher psychosocial and physical measures for health and wellbeing. So, if there’s a new hobby you’ve been hoping to commit some time to, know that the joy you get from it is literally good for your health. Specifically, Dr. Anderson encourages finding activities that are energy-boosting and that add value to your life. “Not only is this a great way to be happy when single, but it’s also a great way to make friends,” she adds.

3. Engage in physical activity

Yep, movement isn’t only for your physical health. “Many studies support the connection between physical activity and happiness,” Moore says. She shares a 2020 study in the International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health that suggests a strong association between the two across all age groups. She also points to a meta-analysis of 92 studies which found exercise is effective for mitigating depression and anxiety. So do some cozy cardio, take a silent walk—whichever exercise you enjoy (and can dedicate regular time to) is likely to have a positive impact on your well-being.

4. Practice “reality testing”

Consider this: While common and understandable, the idea that “you’re destined to be alone forever” might be rooted in anxious thinking instead of truth. “When you’re single, it’s easy to compare yourself to others, to feel that timeline pressure, and to think things like, ‘Oh, I should be in a relationship by now,’ or ‘Why are all my friends married and I'm not?’” Dr. Anderson says. It’s easy to convince ourselves that this mindset is destined to become a reality, especially if we live in it long enough, but “these thoughts are based in fear, not in reality,” Dr. Anderson adds.

That’s where reality testing can be helpful. Dr. Anderson explains reality testing as the process of examining your thoughts, looking for evidence for and against those thoughts, and replacing the thoughts with a truth more rooted in reality. Over time, this can help us be less reactive to negative thoughts as they pop up and not get so caught up in life’s “what ifs.” “Remind yourself that thoughts are not facts,” Dr. Anderson continues. “Get good at checking in with the reality of the situation.”

5. Try narrative therapy techniques

Narrative therapy techniques might not come to you as easily as picking up a new hobby, but they can be helpful in working toward your long-term happiness goals. This thought exercise requires you to write your perspective on the story of your life. What’s a fresh way to see your current single status? “Instead of saying ‘I’m alone and no one wants to be with me; I’m single, woe is me,’ you can rewrite the narrative to be ‘I’m rebuilding a life that I love that makes it easy for me to attract my ideal partner,’” Dr. Anderson says. “Be very intentional with the narrative that you have about your single status.” Participants who practiced narrative therapy reported lower scores of depression and anxiety, according to a study in the Iranian Journal of Medical Sciences.

How to find love after being single a long time

Get back out there

Getting back out there when you’re single—and, especially, when you’ve been single for a while—is easier said than done, for sure! And, it’s a part of the process. “If you want to meet new people, you’re likely going to need to break out of your comfort zone and put yourself in new environments,” Moore says.

FWIW, you have options on how to do this. Moore suggests joining a dating app (and really giving it a chance), striking up a conversation with the person next to you in line at a new coffee shop, joining a book club, trying a group fitness class, or starting a new hobby. “Every time [you] put yourself into a new environment with new people, you increase your chances of meeting a potential romantic partner,” she says.

Work on yourself

A period of singlehood can be vital for finding the right relationship and making it work. Moore suggests actively working on building your self-confidence, developing your communication style, developing healthy relationships outside of a romantic partnership, and cultivating self-care practices during this time. “The more you work on yourself, the more insight and skills you’ll bring with you into your next relationship,” she says. “That extra boost of confidence can also make you more attractive to potential mates.”

Remember your past is not your present

Having past relationships that were short, unhealthy, or not positive in some way doesn’t mean your present or future relationships will be, too. With some intentionality, self-discovery, and self-work, you can have what you’re looking for. “Remind yourself that you get to decide how you want to show up in your dating life,” Dr. Anderson says. “When you show up differently, you have different results.”

When to seek professional help if you aren’t happy

If you’ve tried these tips and they aren’t working, or pieces of your life (job, school, parenting, etc.) are being impacted by this unhappiness, you may want to see a therapist. “If attempts you’re making to increase your happiness aren’t improving your mood and outlook, despite consistent efforts, this could also point to a more serious issue, such as depression, and indicates that professional support is needed,” Moore says.

Similarly, Dr. Anderson encourages anyone who is single (or not) to remember that mood changes are completely normal; everyone feels sad, anxious, or stressed sometimes. Feeling happy being alone can be hard for anyone. While you certainly can see a therapist to cope with those feelings—and it may be a strong proactive approach—she believes it’s most important to “seek out professional help if these periods last a long time,” like longer than two weeks or to the extent that it messes with your everyday functioning.

How can I be happy even if I am single?

Moore recommends a two-pronged approach to being happy while single. The first prong is seeking a platonic community. Reach out to friends, family, colleagues, and people who share similar interests. Do fun things. Turn to them when you need support. “If you’ve been a serial monogamist and have relied on a partner for a primary source of social support and belonging, now is a great time to break that habit and build a social network outside of the relationship,” Moore says.

The second prong is dating yourself. “Imagine all of the activities you’d want to do with a potential partner and do them now,” Moore says. You don’t need a partner to enjoy yourself in these ways, she adds, and spending time in these environments could help you find a partner or friend who shares a common interest.

How to stop feeling lonely when single?

During a period of singleness, you can alleviate feelings of loneliness by fostering meaningful time with others. For example, Dr. Anderson says it’s important to fill your life with quality friendships, do things you enjoy, find fulfillment in your career, participate in hobbies you love, and give back to your community. “Spend time feeling connected to people and getting some fulfillment out of the things that you’re doing,” she summarizes.

Why can't I feel happy single?

With all its pros, being a single person isn’t a satisfying situation all the time or for everyone, for many reasons. Moore points to the strong societal pressure to be in a relationship, the awkwardness of going alone to a wedding, and prying questions from family members about when you’re going to settle down. Try to push all that to the curb. “Don’t let society’s expectations and comparison get in the way of your happiness,” she encourages.

Also, let’s not forget that social media is fake. You’re seeing the highlight reels of people’s relationships, and to compare your own will likely cause more harm than good. “It’s easy to compare yourself to other people, especially on social media, and to land in a comparison spiral, but you don’t know what people’s relationships are like,” Dr. Anderson says.

Apply that understanding more internally, too. In other words, remind yourself that having a partner right now might not be all it’s cracked up to be. Happiness isn’t only possible when you’re coupled up. “This is a false belief that happiness will automatically come with being in a relationship,” Dr. Anderson adds. “A healthy relationship is simply a multiplier of the happiness and love that you have for yourself. Understanding that a healthy relationship involves two individuals who are responsible for their own happiness can be helpful.”

Why can't I find love?

If you haven’t found love yet, you’re not alone. Many factors can contribute, such as how much you put yourself out there, emotional availability, confidence, luck, timing, personality compatibility, expectations for a partner, geographic factors, and more, according to Moore. Dr. Anderson adds that past relational trauma, an insecure attachment style, and prioritizing other life areas are also major factors that may influence when you find love. Some of these aren’t your doing, and others are elements you might want to address depending on your short- and long-term goals. “Focus on the factors that you have control over, and make peace with the ones you don’t,” Moore advises.

How long is it okay to be single for?

As these mental health pros have explained, being single isn’t inherently a bad thing—in fact, it can be a good, important thing. So while it’s easy to think that being single for a certain amount of time is “bad,” that’s not true (thanks, reality testing!).

Being single allows for healing that can lead to happier relationships in the future and time for other kinds of fun. Plus, so much luck is involved in finding a partner. If you’re single, you just haven’t met your partner yet—and that’s okay!

So yes, it is possible to be happily single. Single lifestyles are full of time for friends, hobbies, and catching up on your super long TBR (aka to-be-read) list. With that said, is being single better? It can be, especially when those activities are just the ones you need, or if you find pleasure in them. Regardless, remember that staying single, even when you really want a partner, can be a positive thing—if you engage with it in that way.