Is There a ‘Right Time’ to Tell Your Partner You Cheated? What Waiting to Confess Means For Your Relationship

Telling your partner you cheated soon after the fact is crucial to your relationship’s success—at least, in most cases. “If you intend on repairing and establishing trust within the relationship, it is often best to share what happened with the hope of making necessary changes to heal the relationship,” says Dr. Amelia Kelley, PhD, LCMHC, a trauma-informed therapist, podcaster, researcher, and author of Gaslighting Recovery for Women: The Complete Guide to Recognizing Emotional Manipulation and Achieving Freedom from Emotional Abuse. Otherwise, she says, you run the risk of secrecy, guilt, and distance messing with the relationship in subtle and not-so-subtle ways.

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But sharing your infidelity with your partner is easier said than done. After all, does cheating mean you’ll break up? Does it mean you’re a bad person? Will your relationship ever go back to normal once they know the truth? Ahead, we spoke with experts to get the answer to all the above questions and more, because infidelity in a relationship is always harmful, but keeping that infidelity a secret may be the final straw.

Why do people cheat in relationships?

This may come as a surprise but cheating in a relationship is more common than you think. People often engage in emotional cheating, micro-cheating, financial infidelity, and other forms of cheating for various reasons that don’t reflect on their partner. For example, Dr. Kelley lists addiction issues, attachment wounds, trauma, social deviance, abuse patterns, lack of emotional connection, ongoing conflict, physical distance, parenting, chronic stress, and shame patterns as potential catalysts for cheating. Leanna Stockard, LMFT, a therapist at LifeStance Health, adds that cheaters may be unhappy in their relationship and have a need that’s not being met, whether that need is mental, emotional, or sexual.

"Even when you love someone, it does not necessarily mean that you are happy in the relationship." —Leanna Stockard, LMFT,

Cheating may also come up as a response to issues in the primary relationship, though. Take this study in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy¹ for example. The study found that what led to the affair could correlate to what the affair looked like. For example, relationship-focused motivations—like feeling angry at your partner or experiencing a lack of love—are linked to longer affairs, public dates with the affair partner, and breakups in the primary relationship. More personal, internal motivations, like stress and drunkenness, are linked to shorter affairs, less satisfying affair sex, and lower rates of disclosure and breakups.

Another important thing to note when considering the question "Should you tell your partner you cheated?" is that people don’t always set out with the intention of cheating. So if you’re shocked you cheated on your partner, you’re not alone. “It’s frequently something we either slip into because that person is easy to talk to or we feel understood by them, and we may get into an emotional affair, or sometimes we just meet someone and have instant sexual chemistry and that turns into a physical relationship,” explains Nona Kelly, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist with Thriveworks in Nashville who specializes in relationships, divorces and breakups, and coping skills.

While getting to the root of why your partner cheated can hurt, it can also be a starting point for growth in the relationship if both partners decide to put in the work to move forward. “When we have this understanding about their motivation, it can be determined if this is something that can be worked on in the relationship, or if this is a personal issue that your partner needs to work on individually,” Stockard explains.

Why would you cheat on someone you love?

Cheating on someone you love is likely a result of unmet needs and stunted emotional development, says Dr. Kelley. “If someone in the relationship does not feel emotionally mature enough to share their struggles, they will be more likely to get their emotional needs met outside of the relationship, leaving them more vulnerable to potential opportunities to cheat,” she says.

Additionally, distance can be a risk factor for cheating. A thesis by then master’s student Krista Joy Dowdle found that being 11 to 200 miles from your partner was associated with a 33 percent greater likelihood of cheating; though being over 200 miles apart was associated with a lower risk. Abuse and power—as referenced earlier—are other potential indicators that one or more partners in the relationship may cheat. “This is why watching potential abuse of power patterns is so important,” Dr. Kelley says. Other catalysts for cheating that aren’t related to the relationship include wanting attention, using attention as a way to feel validated and self-assured, and craving the feeling of being desired by other people.

What makes considering the question "Should you tell your partner you cheated?" even more complex, Stockard points out, is that these negative feelings and unmet desires don’t necessarily signify a lack of love in the relationship. In fact, you can be deeply in love with your partner but still have strong unmet needs that cause you to cheat. “Even when you love someone, it does not necessarily mean that you are happy in the relationship,” Stockard says. This can be a reflection of the relationship or the individual. “For instance, some folks can be unhappy with themselves, and therefore unhappy in their relationship,” she adds.

Kelly has also seen occasional cases where unresolved trauma, commitment issues, or wanting “more” (despite a happy relationship) has led to cheating. “That doesn’t mean that person is terrible; it means the person needs therapy to understand their underlying issues,” she clarifies. “It’s definitely worth doing the internal process to heal so future relationships are healthier.”

Should you tell your partner when you cheated?

After cheating, you may wonder if you need to tell your partner ASAP or if you can wait a little bit to get your thoughts together. In other words, rather than "Should you tell your partner you cheated?" you're wondering "When should I tell my partner I cheated?" The therapist-backed answer, however, may not be the one you want. “The best solution to begin to correct that is to tell the person we hurt fairly quickly,” Kelly says. She explains that when you tell your partner, they’ll naturally have questions—like when the affair occurred. “If they find that you have not told them for some time after, they may have more questions…[like] ‘Why didn’t you tell me right away?’ And that’s a difficult question to answer. They also might assume that you were making a decision to hide it all together.”

Along those same lines, Stockard doesn’t recommend any form of cover-up. “If you are not ready to disclose the truth to your partner, instead of providing a cover-up to the truth, tell your partner that you would like to have a conversation with them and that you need a moment to gather your thoughts before the conversation occurs,” she suggests. At the same time, she urges you not to wait too long as that can make your partner anxious and make the news harder to digest.

"Cheating does not define a person in a holistic manner, but it is certainly not a healthy or positive choice." —Dr. Amelia Kelley, PhD, LCMHC

Dr. Kelley agrees there are benefits to taking time to process what happened and how you want to share it, though. “You may want to [begin] repair methods and self-inventory so that your admission of the event seems more self-aware and honest,” she says. In other words, when your partner asks those aforementioned questions—like why you cheated—you’ll have an answer and an idea of how to repair the harm caused. You can’t go back and undo the moment you cheated, but you can equip yourself with the mindset and emotional tools necessary to repair, and potentially salvage, the relationship.

Are you a bad person if you cheat?

Cheating doesn’t inherently make you a bad person, but it does mean you have room for growth. “Cheating does not define a person in a holistic manner, but it is certainly not a healthy or positive choice,” Dr. Kelley says. Stockard agrees cheating (or any mistake) doesn’t define a person wholly. “It is critical to be able to separate the difference between being a bad person and doing a bad thing, whether you are the partner who cheated, or you are the partner who has been cheated on,” she says. This allows room for remorse, growth, and rectification.

At the same time, the effects of being cheated on are real. According to a narrative review in the International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health³, infidelity can be destructive to the relationship and a person’s emotional well-being. It can highlight low self-esteem, lead to anxiety, affect someone’s sense of safety and security, and contribute to excessive drinking, drug use, unprotected sex, and even suicidal behavior.

So, if your partner cheated, remember you don’t have to take them back. “You have every right to choose not to be with someone who has cheated as they are statistically more likely to do it again,” Dr. Kelley adds, as supported by a 2018 study⁴. What you do is up to you.

Can cheating be a one-time mistake?

Cheating can absolutely be a one-time mistake, according to Stockard. “You can definitely find yourself in a moment of weakness and make a bad decision, completely regret what you have done, and never do it again,” she says. Dr. Kelley agrees; though, she doesn’t believe it’s a given. “It is also more likely someone will cheat if they have done it before,” Dr. Kelley adds. So, the real answer? There’s no telling whether your specific partner will cheat again if they’ve done it once. Instead, it’s up to them to take responsibility for their actions and grow. Equally, it’s up to you to give them some grace and room to grow if you want the relationship to succeed.

Can a relationship go back to normal after cheating?

It’s totally fair to wonder if a relationship can go back to normal after someone has cheated, but the question itself isn’t as objective as we think. “Normalcy,” or what the relationship looked like beforehand, may not be what you actually want. “It should not go back to exactly how it was before,” Dr. Kelley says. “Instead, partners should examine what ways they actually want to change and evolve the relationship [to be] even more meaningful and healthy.” In other words, work—from both sides, but mostly from the partner who cheated—is needed, Stockard says. “I recommend seeking the guidance of a therapist to help navigate the situation,” she says. They can help the partner who cheated rebuild trust, and the person who was cheated on learn how to heal after being cheated on.

Kelly agrees that working on the underlying issues and believing it’s possible to work through the pain can definitely help, and may even lead to a healthier relationship than before, but it’s not an automatic solution. “People want to believe they can forgive and forget, but that is a very difficult thing to do,” Kelly says. Instead, focus on growing alongside your partner and moving forward with what you’ve learned.

Is it best to break up after cheating?

Whether it’s best to break up after cheating is another situational case. While there’s no easy answer, these therapists share some clear signals and reminders that can help you navigate the process and make a decision. “It’s important to evaluate if you think the relationship is worth saving and worth the work it requires to rebuild trust and improve the relationship,” Stockard says. “You are more than warranted to ask for space while you figure out what is best for you, and just remember that whatever option that you choose is best for you, and is perfectly okay.”

And if your partner doesn’t seem to be putting in that work to learn and grow from their mistakes, sometimes breaking up is the best course of action. “If it seems the person is not taking responsibility or doing the necessary steps to repair, it is most often the best choice to end the relationship, no matter how hard that may feel and even if you still love the person,” she says.

That’s also to say that breakups are hard, even if they’re for good reason. If you’re wondering how to stop ruminating after a breakup, know that normalizing your experience and scheduling rumination time (yup, seriously!) are a couple of helpful tips. If you need things to do after a breakup, consider anything from carving out dedicated crying time to practicing laughter therapy or taking a pole dancing class.

How do I get over the guilt of cheating without telling?

If you’re someone who cheated, you might be imagining a “perfect” world where you don’t have to tell your partner about your infidelity or feel guilty about what you’ve done. In reality, if you’re looking to move past this incident, it’s almost impossible to move forward without acknowledging these negative feelings, as well as your partner’s. Dr. Kelley finds it to be “quite difficult, if not nearly impossible” to get over the guild of cheating without first being truthful With that said, here are some tips from the therapists to help you move on.

Learn more about yourself and why you cheated

Stockard recommends gaining some insight first. She notes it will be difficult, though—it requires going deep and can induce guilt—so prepare yourself for that. Gaining this knowledge is important for alleviating guilt because it can help you move on in a more productive, meaningful way. “Once we look at ourselves deeply and admit our mistakes, we can heal,” Kelly says. She encourages going softly, slowly, intentionally, and with grace.

Go to therapy

In fact, “lots of [grace],” Dr. Kelley says. She recommends sharing what was done with an objective therapist and trying to work through the repair methods. “The process of forgiving yourself is not an easy one, and it may be helpful to connect with a therapist to help you go deeper,” Stockard adds. To find a therapist that works for you, consider filtering through the Psychology Today database or Open Path Collective database.

Act as if you did

Even if you ask yourself, "Should you tell your partner you cheated?" and decide not to quite yet, act as though you did. What does that mean? “Redefine yourself and follow all repair methods as if you told the partner,” Dr. Kelley says. That might look like not spending time with people who tempt you to cheat or talking to a therapist, for starters.“Guilt is something that we carry around when we know we have hurt someone and have not tried to make amends for that hurt,” Kelly says.

So, start making amends to lessen the guilt you feel, even if you can’t bring yourself to tell your partner what you’re making amends for just yet. “The work that you need to do on yourself will help you alleviate the guilt that you feel, and course-correct on your end of the relationship to avoid repeating your actions,” Stockard says.

Engage in self-forgiveness practices

Self-forgiveness can serve the health and well-being of the relationship, according to Dr. Kelley. Self-forgiveness measures include self-compassion, cultivating self-care practices, and accepting what you can’t change. Basically, things that can help you move on.

Reach out to your support systems

Talking to loved ones about what happened can be another way to “get it out.” Stockard says your loved ones can help you navigate your thoughts and feelings around what happened and how you can move forward in a positive, meaningful way.

Final thoughts

So, should you tell your partner you cheated? People cheat on their partners for a variety of reasons, not all of which are reflections on the relationship itself. While cheating doesn’t automatically make you a “bad person,” and it can be a one-time mistake, it’s not helpful or kind. If you cheat, therapists encourage you to tell your partner ASAP and take full accountability. Breaking up after cheating isn’t a guaranteed outcome, and staying together will take consistent work from both partners. But, if you’re willing to put in the work, telling your partner you cheated may not be as scary as you think.