How to Tell if You’re in a Trauma Bonding Relationship—and What to Do About It

“Trauma bonding is a psychological phenomenon where a victim forms a strong emotional attachment to their abuser, often as a result of intermittent reinforcement and cycles of abuse and positive reinforcement.”— Sandra Kushnir, LMFT, founder and CEO of Meridian Counseling

Trauma bonding, along with other forms of partner violence and abuse such as narcissistic abuse in a relationship, can be especially insidious as the nature of the abuse isolates the victim away from support systems such as friends and family, which can make it harder for the victim to feel able to leave. However, breaking a trauma bond is possible — with the right community, personal, and if necessary, professional support.

Read on to discover more about trauma bonds, including how they start, signs of trauma bonding, how to break trauma bonding, and how to seek community support in order to leave a trauma bond.

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What is trauma bonding

“Trauma bonding is an attachment that is created within an abusive relationship. Typically this is seen as the survivor attaching to the abusive partner,” says therapist Jenny Flora Wells, MSW, LSW. Another way of thinking about it, “is essentially when we romantically bond with someone who effectively traumatizes us,” as trauma therapist Janet Bayramyan, LCSW, puts it.

This bond is then “reinforced by intermittent reinforcement of reward, praise, gaslighting, and punishment, creating a cycle where the victim feels emotionally dependent on the abuser,” Bayramyan says. Put simply, in a relationship with trauma bonding, there’s "a lot of really terrible stuff happening and then occasionally really great stuff happening," says licensed psychologist Liz Powell, PsyD.

Trauma bonding vs. bonding over a shared traumatic experience

Trauma bonding is not bonding over a shared traumatic experience. You may hear of people using the term “trauma bonding” to refer to undergoing something difficult with a friend or partner and feeling bonded as a result — however, that’s not what trauma bonding actually refers to. Bonding over a shared difficult or traumatic experience is based on “mutual support, empathy, and an understanding of the shared experience,” Bayramyan says. Instead, trauma bonding describes “the bond characterized by an unhealthy attachment formed through cycles of abuse and or manipulation,” she adds.

Trauma bonding also does not refer to two victims of abuse or trauma — instead, it describes the relationship between an abuser and the victim, says psychotherapist Ken Fierheller, a registered psychotherapist in Calgary.

Trauma bonding signs

Trauma bonding can be difficult to spot if you don’t know what to look out for. Here, the experts share five common signs of trauma bonding in relationships.

1. Cognitive dissonance

Here, Bayramyan says the victim has conflicting feelings about the relationship and the person they are trauma bonded with. They might make excuses for the other person’s behavior, while simultaneously recognizing the harm caused, she notes.

2. Isolation from support network

In a trauma bond relationship, the abuser “often isolates the victim from friends, family, and other support systems, making the victim more dependent on the abuser,” Bayramyan says. This can also look like putting more effort into this relationship over relationships with friends, family, and others.

3. Unhealthy attachment

“Despite the abuse, the victim feels a strong emotional connection to the abuser and believes they cannot live without them or end the relationship,” Bayramyan says. For many, this is noticeable at the beginning of the relationship, as you might find that the relationship is moving at a very accelerated pace, you find yourself making huge life changes for a relatively new relationship, or feeling like this person is the only person who can fulfill your needs.

Another way this might manifest may be through constant anxiety in the relationship about the abuser’s approval or emotional state, says Jessica Lamar, PsyD, LMHC, LPC, CPTT, co-founder of the Bellevue Trauma Recovery Center.

4. Justifying and excusing the abuser’s behavior

Here, “the victim constantly rationalizes or downplays the abuser’s behavior, believing they are to blame or that the abuser will change,” says Bayramyan. The victim might also defend or minimize their abuser’s actions to convince others that the abuse isn’t bad, Fierheller adds.

5. An ongoing cycle of abuse

Finally, the cycle will repeat itself to the point that “the relationship follows a pattern of intense emotional highs and lows, with periods of abuse followed by apologies, groveling, and promises of change,” Bayramyan says.

Causes of trauma bonding

It’s important to note that trauma bonding and abuse can happen to anyone, says Fierheller. However, “those with low self-esteem or a history of abuse may be more susceptible to trauma bonding,” he adds. With that in mind, here are some causes of trauma bonding that our experts pointed out.

1. The abuser cycles between kindness and cruelty

This creates a cycle of hope and despair that exacerbates the bond between those in a trauma bonded relationship, Bayramyan says. This cycling is especially harmful because “the victim typically holds onto the hope that things will change, and holds onto the memories of the highs,” Bayramyan says. The memories of these “good” moments are what may make the victim disregard the significant lows that follow.

2. Threats and fear

The abuser may also use threats and fear to control the victim, making them feel powerless to leave, says Bayramyan. Examples of this can include threatening to leave or abandon the victim, threatening self-harm or suicide if the victim tries to leave, or threatening to spread lies or reveal personal information to friends, family, or employers, she explains. Fear tactics can also be physical: such as “using intimidating body language such as standing too close, blocking exits, or aggressive gestures,” she says.

Other fear tactics might include guilt tripping behaviors like blame shifting that might also cause the victim to self-blame.

3. Manipulation

Both Bayramyan and Kushnir emphasize manipulation as a tactic that keeps victims trapped in the cycle of a trauma bond. “Tactics such as gaslighting, love bombing, and future faking create confusion and dependency,” says Kushnir. “The victim’s sense of reality is distorted, making it difficult to see the abuser’s true nature and intentions,” she adds.

4. Behavioral conditioning

As therapist Nina Batista, LCSW explains, here “your abuser may get angry any time you bring up your feelings,” which over time, might teach you that bringing up your feelings leads to your partner being angry. This then might cause you to stop talking about your feelings out of fear of your partner being angry. In this way, Batista explains “your partner just conditioned you to behave the way they want.”

5. Low self esteem or previous experiences of trauma or abuse

“Previous experiences of trauma or abuse can make a person more susceptible to trauma bonding, as they may be more tolerant of abusive behavior,” Bayramyan says. Clinical psychologist Daria Chase, PhD, also notes that in these instances, “this is not your fault, but being a survivor of abuse and trauma can change your brain chemistry and the way you operate in relationships.”

How to break free from trauma bonding and abusive relationships

1. Know that it might not be easy, but it is possible.

It’s not easy to break free from a trauma bond, says Dr. Lamar. “If a person has traumas and is being exploited, leaving an abusive relationship is not a simple endeavor.” This is especially true if the victim relies on their abuser for emotional or financial support, Dr. Lamar adds, as “simply picking up and leaving is not a viable option.”

With this in mind, know that it takes time to break free from trauma bonding and abusive relationships. People often make several unsuccessful attempts to leave before it finally sticks,” Dr. Lamar says, adding that victims need lots of emotional and physical support to be able to leave. Therefore, don’t feel even more guilty or bad about yourself if you are struggling to leave.

2. Seek community resources

Dr. Lamar recommends victims seek out community resources to break a trauma bond, “as [these] have the knowledge and resources to help prepare individuals [to leave].”

3. Make a clean break

Another important factor in leaving a trauma bond is to make a clean break, when you’re ready to do so. “Taking a clean break is an important piece. Wavering and going back and forth is only going to reinforce you not leaving. If you leave, you must stay away and not come back.” Dr. Lamar says.

Dr. Chase agrees. “Because of the trauma bond, you could feel tempted to return to the relationship, and the abuser may make grand (false) promises that they’ll change.” Instead, Dr. Chase recommends cutting off all contact once you’re able to safely do so.

4. Give yourself grace while healing

Because the effects of an abusive relationship can linger, in the wake of a trauma bond, you may also experience post traumatic relationship syndrome (PTRS), adopt the habit of fawning, over-explaining trauma as a defense mechanism to please others, or find yourself otherwise acting in ways you don’t entirely understand due to trauma drive. Studies have also shown that trauma and abuse can have negative effects both emotionally and physically. If this happens, don’t be too hard on yourself, and try to give yourself grace.

Where does trauma bonding occur?

Trauma bonding doesn't only happen in romantic relationships, though this is a common place for it to occur. You can see trauma bonding signs in dynamics that include:

• Fraternity hazing
• Military training
• Kidnapping
• Child abuse
• Political torture
• Cults
• Prisoners of war

“I think we tend to think of trauma bonds as something that only happens within romantic relationships, but it can happen anywhere,” says Dr. Chase, adding that “people can have trauma bonds with their bosses, religious or cult leaders, parents, and more.”

“In cases of domestic violence or abuse, a lot of people have difficulty leaving abusers because they have a strong connection to them that is able to keep them there even when things are very bad,” Dr. Powell says. “Within military training [or other group-centric situations], you're placed in these stressful situations as a way for you to bond with your fellow service members so that you can trust people whom you don't know anything at all about in a life-or-death situation.”

What are the four stages of trauma bonding?

1. Positive connection

Using a romantic relationship as the example here, trauma bonding typically begins like any other relationship might—with a happy honeymoon phase. Dr. Manly says that at this stage, the soon-to-be abuser will draw someone in using their kindness, charisma, and appeal to form the bond.

2. Initiation of abuse

This is when the power imbalance of the trauma bond is established. "As the relationship solidifies, the [initiating] partner will slowly 'switch' roles and become the abuser," says Dr. Manly, wielding any number of manipulative tactics—physical, emotional, or psychological—against their partner.

This sudden shift in behavior is often surprising and hurtful for the person on the receiving end. "The victim will often become fearful, upset, and confused about the personality change from 'loving partner' to 'abusive partner,'" says Dr. Manly.

3. Reward from the abuser

To counteract and assuage the abused person's doubts and fears, the abuser will then offer some version of a "reward" to their victim, says Dr. Manly. This could look like sex, gifts, increased attention, loving words, or any other behavior to draw the abused person back in and make them feel as if they must stay in the relationship.

As a result of this reward, "the partner who is abused often questions their reality and feels grateful to the abuser," says Dr. Manly. At this point, the relationship can settle back into a version of "normalcy" or return to a honeymoon-like phase similar to the initial stage of the partnership. In turn, the abused person may feel even more connected to their abuser.

4. Heightened abuse followed by heightened reward

The cycle repeats, often with an increased level and frequency of abuse followed by additional intermittent rewards designed to keep the abused person from leaving the relationship. With each reward, the victim may feel that much more grateful toward their abusive partner for staying with them, despite the continued abuse.

Over time, the rewards may become less and less frequent, says Dr. Manly, often leaving the abused person feeling increasingly ashamed as they remain feeling trapped in the partnership. They may continue to cling onto sparse, intermittent rewards as reasons to stay in the relationship and could feel an inexplicable gratitude for their abuser, even as this person becomes more abusive.

Why does trauma bonding happen?

Trauma bonding relationships take shape due to the body's natural stress response. When you become stressed, your sympathetic nervous system is activated along with your limbic system, or the part of the brain that regulates emotions and motivated behaviors like hunger and sexuality. This activation is commonly known as the “fight or flight” stress response.

“When that sympathetic activation is in control, the parts of our brain that do things like long-term planning and risk analysis in our prefrontal cortex are shut off,” Dr. Powell says. “They're not able to be as effective because our brain is focused on just getting us through this trauma.”

This helps to explain why it is so easy to become attached to anything that helps you get through a traumatic event: Your brain associates that thing or person with safety. So, when an abusive person decides to comfort you or apologize—even for a trauma they, themselves, put you through—your brain latches on to the positive reinforcement instead of thinking through the long-term effects of staying with the abuser.

Cycles of abuse and manipulation can also result in a chemical bond between the abuser and the victim, says trauma-informed sex educator Jimanekia Eborn. Hormones bond people in relationships, but in abusive unions, these chemicals aren’t properly regulated. The brain can become so overexposed to some of these hormones—like oxytocin (the cuddle hormone) and dopamine (the feel-good hormone associated with cravings and motivation)—that it actually becomes chemically dependent on them. As a result, even when someone treats you poorly time after time, your brain won’t want to leave them because it felt so wonderful when they were nice to you.

“There is an intense connection due to the fact that there is a strong hormonal connection between the abuser and the victim,” Eborn says. “The feeling is that you need the other person in order to survive.”

How can you tell if you're in love or trauma bonded?

Trauma bonds may look, at some points, like love, but Dr. Manly says that there is no overlap. Part of trauma bonding is the rewards phase, which may involve the abuser showing someone affection and attention in a way that could be mistaken for love—but these actions are done explicitly to perpetuate a cycle of abuse and don't come from a place of care or desire to genuinely connect.

"Although loving relationships are inherently imperfect, healthy partnerships will never involve a cycle of abuse," says Dr. Manly. "If you are in a relationship that involves abuse—whether physically, emotionally, financially, sexually, spiritually or in any other way—genuine love is not in play."

Bayramyan agrees: “trauma bonding and real love are so different,” and notes how with genuine love, conflicts that may arise are resolved in a healthy manner, without abusive behavior, and how relationships are based on equality and mutual respect, and partners that build each other up and contribute positively to each other’s self-esteem and confidence.

When to seek help

If you find yourself in a trauma bond, you should seek help as soon as possible. “If any of the signs start to present themselves, the earlier the intervention, the less likely a person will stay in that type of relationship,” says Dr. Lamar. Seeking help might look like reaching out to a trained mental health professional, family, friends, community support (as discussed below) or any combination of these, Dr. Lamar says.

“It’s never too late to leave an unhealthy relationship,” says Fierheller. “Lean on your support system and reach out for help from professionals,” he adds.

Where to find community support for leaving a trauma bonding relationship

When healing from trauma, it’s important to surround yourself with a strong support system. Some examples include:

Trusted friends and family

Relationship therapist Rachel Wright, LMFT, says to surround yourself with people you’re comfortable opening up to and being vulnerable with. By doing so, you’ll have a strong support system as you navigate the trauma bonding vs. love realization and healing process as a whole. Keep in mind, though, that family members often aren't equipped to provide all the support you need (but can bolster you through your recovery).

Support groups

Some people benefit greatly from being surrounded by people who have experienced the same forms of trauma as they have. With that in mind, Wright suggests joining a support group for survivors of domestic violence or other types of abuse. Additionally, she says that finding a mentor or sponsor within the group can enhance the healing process.

Therapists

While it may feel more comfortable to talk to a trusted friend or family member, Wright recommends seeking professional help when dealing with trauma bonding. “For some, it’s actually easier to open up about this type of topic with someone they know is a professional and can help them.” Not ready to visit a therapist in person? Online therapy services can make getting help more accessible and less intimidating.

Psychiatrists

In some cases, trauma bonding can be so serious that mental-health medication may be necessary to overcome the trauma. As such, Wright suggests meeting with a psychiatrist if other support systems don’t seem to be helping, or even to be assessed at the start of your healing journey.

Other FAQs

Can trauma bond become true love?

No, as our experts have said, trauma bond relationships are inherently abusive and therefore different from genuine, true love.

How do I know if I’m trauma bonded?

Signs to look out for include a relationship moving at a very accelerated pace, feeling close to your partner even though you haven’t known each other for a long time, making huge life changes for a relatively new relationship, putting time and effort into the romantic relationship at the cost of friendships, family, and other responsibilities and relationships, having an extreme fear of leaving the relationship, and feeling as though they’re the only person who can fulfill your needs.

What does a trauma bond with a narcissist look like?

Trauma bonding may share many signs of abuse from a narcissist as well, including the intensity of the relationship, feeling devalued and put down by your partner, gaslighting, blaming, and an overall anxiety about the relationship.

What triggers a trauma bond?

The cycling from kindness to cruelty by an abuser to their victim is what triggers a trauma bond. “The vast majority of domestic violence victims say their abusive partners treat them well 90% of the time, and it’s only that 10% that’s a problem,” says Dr. Chase, adding that “abusive partners alternate between showers of love and affection and violence and abuse,” thus creating the trauma bond.

What does breaking a trauma bond feel like?

You can expect breaking a trauma bond to feel difficult at first, and perhaps even well into the healing cycle. As Dr. Lamar noted above, it can be really hard for a victim to actually leave and it can take many separate tries in order to do so safely and effectively. However, know that breaking the trauma bonding cycle is ultimately much healthier for you than being trapped in a never ending cycle of abuse.

If you are experiencing or have experienced domestic violence and are in need of support, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or TTY 1-800-787-3224. You can also text "START" to 88788.