Scheduling sex is some truly divisive territory. At best, it reads as a power move for folks who identify as Mirandas. At worst, is sounds like some horrifying Type A behavior that signals a lack of luster in your relationship. But if we’re getting real for a second, what it may just be is a saving grace for the couple who keeps falling asleep after a never-ending work day.
Now, have I ever scheduled sex personally? Weeeeell, my partner reads everything I write, as do my ever-so-supportive my parent. So I’ll just say no. But I’ve started pitching weekend getaways because our Google Cal is getting crowded with baby showers, weddings, and a platter of un-sexy family obligations. When errands and work and real life in general start to usurp so much time and energy that the minuscule amount remaining is only enough to lift the remote and flip on Queer Eye, it’s legitimately tough to remember to prioritize intimacy with your loved one. But does this personal status put me and my relationship on the fast track to the most monotonous reality ever? Apparently not, says one pro. Phew.
“Scheduling sex is a way to show yourself and your partner that your sex life is valuable to you, and that you’re willing to make an active effort to create the time and space for intimacy.” —Vanessa Marin, sex therapist
“I’m a huge fan of scheduled sex,” says Vanessa Marin, sex therapist and creator of The Passion Project, an online course for couples. “I know that the idea freaks a lot of people out. But the reality is that our lives are full and busy, and we need to schedule the things that are important to us. You plan things like family functions, special dates, and nights out with friends. Why should sex be any different?”
Excellent point! After all, we are busy, we are tired, and many of us are burnt out, all of which necessitates acts of self care and downtime to compensate for how effing busy we are. And when you’re feeling burnt out, you (me) don’t necessarily feel sexy. You (I) just feel like curling up with The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel and a weighted blanket and tell your partner, “Not tonight, bb.” That may sound a little bit depressing (because it is a little bit depressing) and yet it doesn’t have to indicative of a dying relationship.
“Scheduling sex is a way to show yourself and your partner that your sex life is valuable to you, and that you’re willing to make an active effort to create the time and space for intimacy,” Marin says.
So yeah, it may not be ideal that you don’t have unlimited sex time like you did back in college, or whenever. But making the effort to book some boinking time shows that the passion is still there, somewhere between, oh, 7:30 and 8:15 p.m. But if you get a “No” on the Google Cal event invite? Well, that might warrant some concern.
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